Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The road to peace.....

Starts one step at a time.

The weekend brought many tidings. We found out why the little preemie died. See, it's not too bad being a preemie, there are things you can do to help them continue to develop and grow, just like with humans. Sometimes they are just too early, but she was only 2 days outside the general 'safe time' rule so we wondered what went wrong. She was doing well the first two hours, but then she crashed. Why? Was it the feeding I gave her? Did she aspirate? Was it my fault? Was it a genetic problem?

Well, the necropsy showed a rupture of the umbilical artery. It would have happened the minute she was born, and she just bled to death. Not my fault. Not genetic- just a product of being too early. Relief? Um, a double edged sword.... Yes, I am relieved I didn't cause her death,
it was tearing me apart wondering.
Each alpaca on our ranch is known, each loved for their own individual personalities, likes and dislikes. Every year we plan carefully each breeding, then we wait a minimum of 335 days to see the results of our planning. When we lose a cria, it is completely devastating. Whenever we have a loss we wonder what happened, and I always blame myself. It doesn't matter that in each case it wasn't anything we did wrong- when you are Rachelle, that's what you do, you blame yourself.
As I go through my life, I try to take something from every experience- no matter how horrible, scary or tragic. Something positive, or what has been more likely in my life, a hard lesson learned. What I haven't learned yet, no matter the trial or tribulation, is how to find peace. Today as I visited with my girl, she taught me how to forgive myself for not being perfect, omniscient and for not having the power to resurrect the dead. She told me she still loves me, and doesn't blame me. By her kisses, her warm breath on my cheek, and by nudging me with her hip so I would scratch her itchy spot.
I think the road to peace is a long one- the journey difficult, and paved with obstacles that sometimes seem insurmountable. Today I am one step closer. Perhaps tomorrow I might take two steps back, but eventually- I will move forward again.
As our family spent the day together yesterday, I was reminded of how wonderful a happy day can be. It's been a long time, a very long time it seems since I had a truly happy day. Seems like such a simple thing! But as adults, we seem to complicate life to the point of absurdity.
We trivialize that which we should cherish, and insist on growing up too fast.
Laughing, sharing, making stupid jokes.... my baby brother brought me a copy of "Sesame Street Old School" and I watched, laughing and remembering taking Jamey into the spare room to watch Sesame Street while our parents argued, again. Stealing a moment of joy midst chaos.
Yesterday I let the child within out. The one who was forced to be grown up when she was eight years old, not allowed to laugh or be ridiculous. Who blamed herself for things entirely beyond her control and tried to 'fix' everything, please everyone. Now releasing her to play, laugh and be silly- without inhibitions. It was wonderful.

Jamey and my favorite chicken- Henny Penny

Left to right, front: My stepmother Karen, brother Jamey, and my dad.

Back: Daughter Codi, Jamey's girlfriend Giselle, son Cameron.

I think the fastest way to peace is through the eyes of a child. What do you think?



phaseoutgirl said...

Hey Rachelle,

I too need to learn how to find peace. Sometimes I think I have, but often those monsters that lurk behind our minds? They come out when we least expect them to!

Thanks for this inspiring post. It is tru that things happen on life that we wish did not, and it relaly is not our fault. Why do we always beat ourselves up for it?

But.... happy thoughts... and thank you for reminding me that we do get stronger after each trial. After all that is how life should be lived.


Rachelle said...

Hi Cecilia,
Thank you for visiting me again, I really enjoy your take on life- so positive!

I don't know why we beat ourselves up, I just know I am really good at it!
See you soon,

singleton said...

Oh Sweet Girl...the road to peace is the hardest traveled....the scariest, hardest, steepest. And in the end, maybe it is just freedom, that lets us touch the first glimpses of peace...Freeing ourselves from guilt, from being responsible for everything~everyone~every micro second and accepting that life is just that...life, the butterfly effect. It's not always perfect. It often down right sucks. But in between.....that's when the magic happens.....and that's when we have to raise our arms high and Slainte! To the good times. While they might not outnumber the bad, if we give them wings, they will outweigh them in the end....
Wishing you peace, my friend.....

Jamey Morrison said...

Nice pics sis. Glad you enjoyed us. Now your kids can't say Giselle doesn't exist LOL. Tomorrow,I'll get to work on burning the pics onto a disk for you. Please send me your pics as well. Take care

Bardouble29 said...

Peace can be so hard to find. I too am trying to find peace.

I so enjoy coming hear and reading your blog. Thank you.

Rachelle said...

Dear Cecilia,
I think it's just human nature to blame ourselves. Those of us who have 'yuck' in our pasts, or lots of baggage as they say, we are even harder on ourselves.
Don't we know that girl!

Thank you for being here with me on my road.

Rachelle said...

Dear singleton,
You, my friend, are a wise, wise woman.

I learn from you every time I read your words.
Thank you.
Slainte indeed~

Rachelle said...

Dear brother,
The kids never doubted for a second Giselle's existence. :))
I won't get the pics on a disc, I'll just email them to you- I only took 5.
Love ya!
Sesame Street old school rocks!!

Rachelle said...

Dear Bardouble,
Thank so much! I am very glad you come to visit regularly. It means a lot to me as well.
Here's to us finding peace!

Mousie said...

My sweet Rachelle,I've been a bit tired...life is sometimes difficult...but never mind...back again...thank you for not forgetting me...I'll read the posts I missed in the next days...
much love from Mousie

Rachelle said...

Dearest Mousie,
I do hope you are well! I was so worried about you!
Very, very glad you are back, and hugs for you, and lots of them.

karoline said...

were we given the choice of traveling the path with least resistance, no challenge, the guaranteed outcome, the safest and flattest route, would we appreciate ourselves, our resilience and our capabilities? would we be worthy of life's most beautiful moments? would we recognize them when they hit us?
life is that stuff that makes us grow inside, the stuff that nurtures our souls, that ties us as humans...

sometimes i have a hardtime remembering that, but then i'm blessed with a love that gently reminds me..

wishing you peace within



Rachelle said...

Dear Karoline,
Thank you so much- your words are filled with experience methinks!
Thanks for visiting, come back soon :))

Gardener Greg said...

Great writing. I am sorry for your loss. I too try to find something positive or a lesson in everything that happens to me.

I like your chicken. We have two ourselves. My favorite is Lucy. She loves to follow me into the garden and will peck my hand if I am not digging fast enough for her.

I also read your 7 things and offer my support if you ever need it.


dawn said...

Girl where are you?, I didn't forget the tag I just need a little more time. Have a great weekend

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Like Singleton, I agree, the way forward can often be a stoney and hard path to travel, and only the courageous and strong of heart can attempt it.. why am I not surprised to find you there?

Big hugs, my sister. x

Rachelle said...

Dear Gardener,
Thank you ever so much for being there for me, it lifts me heart :))
Plant some veggies for me this year, looks like all I will have room for is tomatoes (I have 20 acres, that is just saaaadd!)

Rachelle said...

Hi Dawn!
I'm here, I have just been busy like a bee. Today is shearing.... *sigh* my back and neck hurt just thinking aobut it!
I will be back in the next day or so to post about that.
Take care, glad you are here!

Rachelle said...

Dear Shrink,
Squudges right back atcha kiddo. I know I've seen you many a time as we've traveled down that road. May we meet at the end!

Anonymous said...

interesting article. I would love to follow you on twitter.

Anonymous said...