Sunday, May 27, 2007

7 things you'll wish you never knew about me

Today I was tagged by David McMahon ... I feel so.... sticky.... I just wish I knew what color spray paint he used! It's so hard to tell in this virtual world.
Sorry David, I don't know how to do that loverly little name click thingy, so visit David here: And do it regularly, the guy is a master of puns and has more vim than the energizer bunny.

David wants to know seven little known facts about me (the real tag title), as you will see the timing is impeccable. Reader beware.
Here goes.

1) yesterday one of my favorite alpacas gave birth to a beautiful female cria who was premature. She died a few hours later while I looked on and could do nothing, and I cried all night. This was to be one of only three expected crias this year on our small farm.

2) in 1990 I almost committed suicide but instead went to an AA meeting. I got clean & sober that year and stopped my life destructive drinking and my cocaine abuse, and thought life would be so much easier. I thought I would never think about alcohol and suicide again.

3) Yesterday I thought of both. I contemplated throwing 17 years of sobriety out the door and remembered the oblivion I was able to achieve with sufficient quantities of liquor. Yesterday it didn't seem like such a big thing, 17 years- bah. And suicide? Good enough for my big brother, right?

4) Today my eyes are puffy and I still want a drink something fierce, but I will not take it. Suicide has been banished to the dark undercellar of my mind where it belongs, and life, amazingly is going on. One day at a time.....

5) Yesterday I wanted to quit, I questioned the existence of a loving God and raged and gnashed my teeth like a woman possessed. I convinced myself it was all my fault, and that I was being punished for not being good enough. I said "Who needs Him?? I am fine on my own."

6) Today I am humbled and realize I cannot do it alone. I haven't made it to my knees quite yet, but that time is coming, I know it is. I opened my door to this world, and found people out there who cared enough to cover me in spray paint. Thank you David for helping to pull me out, whether you knew it or not.

7) Today I went out and sat with my grieving momma to offer her comfort, and somehow she managed to make me feel better. Dumb animals indeed.
Oh, and sometimes? I just wish I was Harry Potter. With a wand, and cool robes. Escapism in it's highest form.

I would like to thank David for the tagging, and I tag the following people:

See you next time,


Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Beautiful girl,

You've made me humble. I am in awe of your strength, saddened life is so randomly cruel to you, and motivated beyond words at how you keep on keeping on. Don't you know you rock, girl? x

Rachelle said...

Dear Shrink,

Anonymous said...

My wimpy little list is done.

phaseoutgirl said...


We are your circle, holler when you need us....we love you..


singleton said...

rachelle...OMG, sweet girl, you are a Mountain, a mighty mighty mountain. I can think of no words to make your losses, your grieving, your emptiness fuller, no words big enough to hug you with. Except Peace. We go through hell and travel on all it's horrid roads, for the few spare moments of peace, that we find piled up in the wreckage. Peace and love to you sweet friend.

And as for the tag, well, you did that along time ago, the moment I heard my screen door squeak.....

Bardouble29 said...

Oh honey!!! HUGS to you, my heart breaks for you.

Don't give up now! I am so, so sorry for the loss.

Sarah said...

Wow, Rachelle! I am so impressed at everything you have overcome and continue to overcome daily. It would only seem fair that after 17 years of sobriety, it would cease to tempt you but most recovering alcoholics I know fight it just as hard every day of their life. I'm so glad you found a way to justify this insane existence. Your alpacas need you - not to mention the rest of us. I'm so sorry for you and the grieving mommy paca. I know the babies are like your own.

I did a post like this a few months ago actually and after the way you did yours, I would hate to do something silly.

Keep letting it out. I know it makes me feel better to talk about the feelings that I'm sometimes ashamed of. I hope blog therapy works for you too.

Rachelle said...

Dear Cecilia- thanks for the boost, I needed it!
I love all of you as well- what a wonderful world, our little blogworld, huh?

Rachelle said...

Dear Singleton- you give me great credit for being a tower of strength, but in truth I would be nowhere without the positive influences I have found in my life.
You, my friend, are one of them.
I thank you.

Rachelle said...

Dear bardouble,
Thank you ever so much for the hug- it is greatly appreciated. My hug quota is never filled!

Don't worry, I won't give up. I may think about it, but life is too precious a gift to just throw away- besides, I'd miss blogging too much!
hugs back atcha kiddo,

Rachelle said...

Dear Sarah,
Blog therapy... hmmm...
methinks you are on to something here! We could be rich!
Only I would be using the service all the time!!!
Thanks for visiting, and hugs for you and your little sweeties.
Hope you are getting more sleep girl!

david mcmahon said...

Hi Rachelle,

What a powerful week of posts. No need to thank me - I'm here for everyone.

God bless and I wish you strength.


Rachelle said...

Dear David,
Thanks so much! Just knowing you guys are all out there makes each day a little brighter :))

Helena said...

Not said this round here but here goes..
I'm 39 and have suffered with depression since I was 13. I took my first overdose, which resulted in a coma, when I was 14....
lots of water under the bridge till....
last year I finally got some decent help from a decent therapist and doctor....
got the diagnosis I've suspected for years- it isn't depression perse, it's bi-polar.
This got me on a different type of medication.... things are improving for me now...
if only I could get my family to understand....


Some years ago I built a website for Christians with depression.
The message boards are mostly quiet now, but the site is still there.

I wrote a booklet to go with it, and still send it to people.

It basically says that JC suffered more than physicaly- in Gethsemane he suffered emotionally, mentally and spiritually. In fact, every way you do in depression.

I wrote it cos I kept coming across Christians who'd been told it was a sin to feel depressed, etc etc etc.

It certainly isn't.

The site is still there. If you feel down, give it a visit...

Bruised Reeds

Take care, and remember, all things pass, even feeling bad.


Rachelle said...

Dear Helena,
Wow, you have overcome so much! I thank you for your positive message of love.
Yes, my Savior's love is what has kept me alive all these years, despite my best efforts at times.

Thank you for visiting, I will stop by to see you soon!

Anonymous said...