Wednesday, June 13, 2007

to sleep...... perchance to...???




I am living life. It is not too exciting, nor too boring. I have a new husband and we have two children. There is the fun of discovering each other and ourselves, and everything seems to be fine, just fine.

Soon I find myself sinking. I ask my new husband, didn't we....? How many times have we ................? Didn't we already say/do that? I begin to do things that are out of character. I remember parties, wild parties. Dark events swim to the surface, did I REALLY do that? No one sees me, am I really here? Am, I crazy?

My children begin to look at me oddly, as if I am there, but not really there. I am heavy. Once, I am at the sink peeling something with a knife when I simply stop functioning properly. I begin to peel my finger instead, and my child beside me starts to scream. I watch the blood spiral down the drain with indifference. Could I hurt my child?? Getting heavier.

Hard to remember, I find myself in the corner a lot. Staring at the wall. My family drags me to their various functions muttering about how I'm not trying, (why doesn't she snap out of it? She's just faking it...?) and then, not caring... or, unable to see me any longer?

Heavier, heavier.... until the weight is unbearable and I bow to it. My body bent, I stand in the corner with my arms drooping down nearly to the ground. Eventually the effort required to hold my mouth closed is too much. I begin to drool. ((help me)) Doesn't anybody see??

Time passes, I wonder how to shed this burden, this unbearable weight that presses down upon my shoulders and causes me to lose my dignity, my humanity, my...... ((help me?))

Finally my husband SEES me. He discusses it with my children, as if it were only recently discovered, this MALADY of mine. Concerned. Desperate.
He makes a phone call, and I feel..... relief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

This was the dream I had last night. So many interpretations. Depression, fear, the weight of the world, sadness? Perhaps.
Strangely enough, I didn't feel particularly depressed or sad, or anything this morning after the dream.
Just another one of Rachelle's weird dreams I thought... :))
Wow, tonight- to sleep.... perchance to.... forget that, just to sleep- please!!

8 comments:

Mousie said...

let's not pay too much attention to sad dreams...let's pay attention to funny ones or erotic???..I'd love to have some..lol..we must be positive...I persuaded myself so here I am with my pot of tea, nice cakes, let's have a little picnic , just the two of us...we'll tell stupid stories...we'll laugh...I can see a smile! good you're feeling better.
see you
love from Mousie

Rachelle said...

Dearest Mousie,
The funny thing is, I didn't feel particularly depressed or anything after this dream, just thought it was interesting!

I am so glad to see you here, how are you? Mmmmm, yummy tea and cakes :)) thank you so much for stopping by to share with me! I promise to have a good dream to share soon! Let's go to the beach next time, okay?
Love you,
Rachelle

J.L. Murphey said...

To sleep, perchance to sleep...I know that one! :) When I'm not playing momma, grandma, author, nurse, gardener, herbalist, chauffeur, or good church member...I relax...wait a minute that's 365/7/24...forget sleep.It's over rated.

singleton said...

Oh girl, we all need to be on sleeping pills! I think I went a good 7 years without any sleep when the kids were teens, and now that I can steal a few hours of blissful peace(?) my mind is like a rocket, zinging through a thousand things... and dreaming.... it wears me out!

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Thank God for that final paragraph, I was mid-way into packing and case and flying out there to bob your husband on the nose, round up you and the kids, and to fly you all back out here with me!

It's a dream (nightmare), put it to bed (ouch).. x Big hugs, bonny lass.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Bop

Rachelle said...

Dear Shrink-
Bop right back at you! LOL

Pack up honey and come on over the pond! I could always use a good friend on my side :))
Slainte sis~
Rachelle

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