Wednesday, June 13, 2007
to sleep...... perchance to...???
I am living life. It is not too exciting, nor too boring. I have a new husband and we have two children. There is the fun of discovering each other and ourselves, and everything seems to be fine, just fine.
Soon I find myself sinking. I ask my new husband, didn't we....? How many times have we ................? Didn't we already say/do that? I begin to do things that are out of character. I remember parties, wild parties. Dark events swim to the surface, did I REALLY do that? No one sees me, am I really here? Am, I crazy?
My children begin to look at me oddly, as if I am there, but not really there. I am heavy. Once, I am at the sink peeling something with a knife when I simply stop functioning properly. I begin to peel my finger instead, and my child beside me starts to scream. I watch the blood spiral down the drain with indifference. Could I hurt my child?? Getting heavier.
Hard to remember, I find myself in the corner a lot. Staring at the wall. My family drags me to their various functions muttering about how I'm not trying, (why doesn't she snap out of it? She's just faking it...?) and then, not caring... or, unable to see me any longer?
Heavier, heavier.... until the weight is unbearable and I bow to it. My body bent, I stand in the corner with my arms drooping down nearly to the ground. Eventually the effort required to hold my mouth closed is too much. I begin to drool. ((help me)) Doesn't anybody see??
Time passes, I wonder how to shed this burden, this unbearable weight that presses down upon my shoulders and causes me to lose my dignity, my humanity, my...... ((help me?))
Finally my husband SEES me. He discusses it with my children, as if it were only recently discovered, this MALADY of mine. Concerned. Desperate.
He makes a phone call, and I feel..... relief.
This was the dream I had last night. So many interpretations. Depression, fear, the weight of the world, sadness? Perhaps.
Strangely enough, I didn't feel particularly depressed or sad, or anything this morning after the dream.
Just another one of Rachelle's weird dreams I thought... :))
Wow, tonight- to sleep.... perchance to.... forget that, just to sleep- please!!