My mother

My mom's "Millennial Teddy Bears"

This is going to be a long post, just thought I'd let you know upfront so you can run now!

Sometimes as we go through life, we are fortunate enough to learn important lessons along the way. Sometimes, they are lessons learned, sadly, too late.
Such is my life. Lessons I have learned have been both harsh, and illuminating.

The most important lesson I learned was how to love my mother.
My mother will be the first to tell anyone that she was NOT the best mother. She had a hard life, in and out of boarding schools, abused at a vulnerable age by her step father, and then abandoned by her mother when she refused to face the truth about the man she was married to, my mother had to fend for herself- something she was not good at.

Married young to my father, the both of them clueless about parenting, she went through life without the necessary skills required for the most basic of parenting. Not good at coping with stress, she took out her anger and feelings of helplessness on her children. My sister and I being the most likely targets. She is 14 years older than I, and when I was eight- she got married and left, never to return. I remember crying at her wedding, because I knew with her gone, it would be so much worse for me...

Often, I was jealous. Mom had these 'adopted' children all over the neighborhood who came to her for advice and love. I felt like I was really the adopted one. I was embarrased to have my friends over, and one time I lost a friend due to my mother and her behavior. Couldn't these other 'children' see it? Of course not, because she was a completely different person with them than she was with me.

Life in our home was hard, it was filled with anger, and frustration. My father left when I was 11 and my little brother was only five. He said that my brother's disability was too hard to handle. Then he married a woman with seven children...

My mother fell completely apart after he left. As if things weren't bad before he left, now there was no buffer between my mother and her children.
Jamey got the best of mom. For some reason, his disability brought out the best in her. She fought for him to receive a good education, and learned everything she could about Autism. Her energy was expended in a positive way.

When I was little, all I could think of was, 'what did I do?' when she would go off. I tried to be a good girl, and was meek and mild. After the abuse that happened to me at age nine, I was a different child. I started drinking at age 13, and by 15 was an alcoholic. It was a great way to get away from everything.

I wasn't exactly the perfect teenager, that's certain. I was wayward, and defiant. After I got big enough, I would fight back (never physically), I certainly was not going to just sit back and take it anymore.
I remember being terrified of my mother, even at age 16 she could get me to cower in a corner...

I left home when I was 16, worked full time outside of the home, and only went back home at age 18 for a place to keep my stuff.
Life was hard between my mother and I, and I blamed her for a lot of things. Certainly the physical and mental abuse was something we could never get over, and I resigned myself to the fact that we would never have a relationship beyond civility.

Then, I got sober. I got married shortly after, and got pregnant right away. Life took on a new perspective, and I realized I was going to be a mother, but I had no idea how to be one. I only knew I didn't want to be like my mother was. I took parenting classes, and went back to church.
But something was missing. It was my mother.

Long story short?
My Father in Heaven changed my heart, and He made it possible for me to forgive my mother over time, and to be able to reforge a relationship with her that at this time I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Mom also learned some new things, how to accept responsibility, to not try and guilt me into anything, and how to heal some of her own wounds.

This is, needless to say, the highly abridged version of our relationship. Just to set the tone for my experience this past week.
Mom needed to have gallbladder surgery, and at age 76, she isn't the spring chicken she used to be. So I made arrangments to go and be with her to help her the Tuesday she went in. I was going to leave Wednesday, and come home. My daughter decided to stay with her to help her.
As I spent time there, I realized something profound. My mother is getting old.
She isn't going to be around forever, and there will come a time when I will not have her in my life anymore.

This scared me to death. I stayed until Thursday, then went home, crying all the way. Then I went back Saturday morning, and came home Monday, crying some more. I didn't want to leave her. She lives about 2 1/2 hours away, and with the ranch here, I am pretty tied down.
I am so glad I had the time to spend with her, and I can't wait to see her again.

While I was there, I met someone pretty special. His name is Teddy, and here is his story, as written by my mother.

Bears on a shelf in the "Teddy Bear Room"

Hi, my name is Teddy, and this is my story.

Where am I? The last thing I remember, I was sitting on a pretty pink bed, playing with my little girl. Then things changed fast. People came in the middle of the night, and I heard the words, "very sick, hospital" and my little girl's mommy was crying.

Several days go by, there is a big black car outside taking my girl's mommy and daddy away. The house is very quiet for a long time, I have no one to hold me or love me. The next thing I know I'm in a big box with my friends. We all used to play with my litle girl. Now I am in this strange place with all kinds of different toys, but my friends are gone.

I hear words like, "Sell all the toys, and everything else." So I wait to see what selling us meant.

A little boy says he wants to buy a train, laughing, he went away with his train. A little girl says she wants a doll, her mommy bought it for her and she was laughing.

Now I understand! We were here to make people happy! So I sat up straight, as straight as my bent legs could be, and I waited, and I waited. All around me toys weregoing home to their new families, except for me.

The next thing I knew, I was at the bottom of the pile of toys, standing on my head! No one could buy me while I was upside down, they couldn't see how cute I was!

Then I felt something pulling on my leg, I heard, "Hello Teddy, what are you doing under all these toys?"

I got a big hug, and my new mistress said, "I have never had a teddy bear before. Now I do, because you are going home with me.

Now the lady squeezed me again, then she laughed! And I said to myself, I like this, I could get used to this loving very easily.

We got into something called a car, and she said, "You are going to be my co-pilot now, and we can be with each other all the time."

I have been her friend, and her companion, and get hugs just about every day, and I have a permanent place on her bed. And the best part is I am giving love to a lonely woman, cause my new mistress is 76 years young!

I have been all over the place with her, for 25 years! I have loads of new friends, here are some pictures of them, they have their very own room, called the Teddy Bear room. But I get to sleep with mommy! So, I heard about this B.t. Bear Esquire, and I thought I'd share some pictures with him. There are several 'not-a-bears' who live here too, but our bearyness is rubbing off on them, I can tell!

If you look close, you will see how my legs are just perfectly porportioned so as to sit on my mommy's hip and hug her. Perfect!

Here I am surrounded by my new friends in the bear room!
One of the beary nice shelves.
Mr. Genteel Bear.

I hope you enjoyed my story!

I love you mom, and I'm glad you were a lesson I learned- before it was too late.

Love,

Rachelle

I give up...........

All Photographs copyrighted by: Rachelle Black 2007

Here's Narya, all better! She says thanks to all of you for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers :))

I apologize for being out of touch for so long. I know it can be worrisome when someone you care about disappears for a while...... after a major crisis..... hmmmmmm- that really does sound bad, doesn't it?
Sorry! But I've been very, very busy. You see, I have been busy being severely depressed. You'd be amazed at how much time and effort that takes!

Hiding in my house, eating 12 meals a day and not talking to anyone, it's extremely time consuming.

Playing the PS-2 and escaping from reality have been my forte for the last few weeks. I mean, In & Out is a great job for teenagers, but not so much when you have a family of 4.

Hubby still doesn't have a 'real' job, and no money can certainly play tricks on your mind.

Take for instance the following: haunting dreams of being homeless, having to sell all of our socks to pay for groceries, reading by candelight to conserve energy, and forcing your kids to buskie on the street corner with their instruments and an old hat just to make ends meet.

Looking at all my beautiful alpacas and wondering how long I will be able to keep them....

But all that's behind me! I have decided just to no longer be depressed! It's that simple.

Want to hear my new weight loss plan? Well, you know all those starving children in China, er, or was that Africa- I'm going with Africa, that's what mom used to say- anyway, I am going to box up my extra poundage and ship it over there! They can use the extra weight, I'm helping myself, and some needy kids at the same time. Good plan, right? I haven't figured out how to get the pounds off of me and into the box yet, but don't bother me with details, eh?

And job shmob, who needs it? I'm going to make a fortune selling my sparkling personality! I am sure if I can just figure out how to bottle it up, we'll be rich, rich, RICH!!

***heavy sigh***

Who am I kidding, life's a bleak as these photos, well, except for this one. However, the latest in bleak moments occured when my son turned 16 this October. See http://pasturemusings.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_archive.html and read the "I am so old...." post I did about his birthday last year. And I thought I was old then, HA!! Little did I know.

Tonight, my son goes on his first date. I think....... I'm going....... to die. Date?!?! When did he get old enough to date?? Wasn't he playing with Thomas the Tank Engine just last week?!?!?!?

Hard and fast rule around here, no dating until you are 16, then only in groups until you are 18. Great, he is raring to go now! They are going bowling with some other teens. Even if mom still has to drive them, it is still, officially, The First Date.

When did this happen? Did I blink or something? Because I have not blinked in, oh, about..... oh crap, 16 years. That's how it happens, you blink- and they are grown up. That stinks.

But my son? He's wonderful. Smart, funny, and oh so talented. I love him!

All manicness (wow on that word) aside, I am okay, really. And.........

I think I'll take a lesson from The Lump and Jack here, after all- there's a lot to be said for just snuggling down with a furry friend and letting the storm blow over.

Slainte~

Rachelle

California is burning- new updates

I am correcting some things and updating this on 10/27/07 I am sorry I didn't write this all (this whole post I mean) sooner, but we have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately.
Here is our state from space. This picture was taken October 24th I believe. In blue, that's where we are. The red are active fires burning at the time of the picture. In yellow I approximated the area where two more have started.

None of the photos in this blog were taken by me. Whenever possible I have included photo credit.

For the last two weeks, I, along with the rest of California, have watched and read with shock and horror the tragic events that have been unfolding in our beautiful state.

Somewhere, here in our very midst are evil people.

People who's only thought is to cause mindless devastation, and inflict tremendous danger on their fellow men.

To me, it is unimaginable that one human being could be capable of causing such destruction to their own land, their own neighbors,

to their brothers and sisters.

Fires threatening homes in San Diego County

Current active fires burning as of today. Since the beginning of October, there have been 35 fires in California.

Of those 35, 23 are under investigation, and are believed, or are known to have been Arson.

Some of those fires were small, and out quickly. Others turned into unbelieveable infernos.

San Diego County I believe

Photo taken by: Redlands. I'm not sure which one this is, it looks like Orange County- but I now believe it to be Malibu.

Satellite image of smoke plume from space.

Photo by: Clodagh of fire in Canyon Country. My dad's former home is just South of this picture.


Photo by: Pooya of Sand Canyon. The above two photos are of either the "Meadow Ridge" or the "Buckweed" fire.

Photo by: Palony of Valencia, of the "Ranch" fire I think. This was the closest one to us.

Photo by Marenghi of the "Ranch" fire in Castaic.

The Buckweed, Meadow Ridge, Magic, Aqua Dulce and Ranch fires are all the closest to us.
800 square miles have burned so far. Some of these are 100% contained, or are expected to be within 24 hours. But there are still 9 actively burning fires.


1 million evacuations

2,000 homes destroyed


11 people dead....... so far


Here, we are okay. The winds have shifted onshore, helping the firefighters. Our canyon is filling with smoke from the San Joaquin Valley, as the wind sucks it all back this way.

The wind has been blowing about 30 mph every day here, over the weekend and Monday it was about 65 mph.
We are scared.
But, we are okay for now.

Thank you to everyone who has emailed us and left comments. Our church is very involved in the efforts to help those evacuees left with nothing. They sent down two semi trucks full of food to San Diego on Monday.
Pray for them.
Pray that those responsible are caught.
Pray for our firefighters, they are stretched so thin right now.
Pray that no more fires are started.

I love you all,
Rachelle

I am happy to say that winds dying down in the fire ravaged areas have helped fire fighters. The winds have NOT died down here in the mountains, in fact they have picked up considerably again. But, all the fires near us with the exception of the "Ranch" fire are 100% contained now, and we have cloud cover. The marine layer is moving in, and will provide welcome cooler temps and moisture in the air to help the firefighters.
My husband reports rain in Bakersfield this morning. Let's hope it moves up here, I am weary from holding my breath.....

Take a walk with me....

All Photographs copyrighted by Rachelle Black 2007

My dear Fatty Lumpkins and his old momma dog Tequila say:

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy a walk!! Let's go!

And down the road we go.

Past the never dying lavender that cheers me up with it's fragrance. Times like this I long for my Cannon OS with manual focus. *sigh*
Past the last of the sunflowers... this ones just unfolding to it's full glory. The last harbinger of summer, it's sunny face brings a smile to mine.

Past the "Bear in the Tree"

B.t., this is for you. The natural formation looks just like a bear head profile, and after meeting you, I can never look at it without thinking of my little beary friend!

Here we are walking past the poison ivy that is climbing up a white oak tree at our seasonal stream. It's colors range from pink, to red and yellow.

Everyone joins us on our walk. The dogs Lumpy and Momma Dog, and the cats, Jack and his sister Diane.
Here's a little slice of heaven found under the Buckeye trees. Their leaves fallen and branches bare, they are stark- yet, beautiful. The first to bud striking green in the spring and light up the canyon, the first to shed their leaves in the fall and drop their shiny chestnuts, bearing huge flower spikes in summer, they are always interesting to see.

Into the sun we stroll, dogs sniffing the trail ahead and cats watching our six. A- a- aaaa-choo!! Oy, the rabbit brush is blooming, again. Hope you took your allergy medicine!

Careful, we're coming up on Shark Rock!! Watch out, he might bite!

Jack says it's time for a break. He has a heart condition, so we pause for a moment. Jack is a cat, who thinks he's a dog. If he could bark, he would! He comes when I whistle, charges at visitors like the dogs, and sleeps with Lumpy. What a piece of work...

Look what we find when we stop for a moment! Some colorful poison oak. Careful, don't touch! Admire it's beauty from afar.
Diane asks,

"Are we going to sit here all day?!" Ever impatient, Diane is the polar opposite of laid back Jack. Demanding and imperial, Diane is the Queen of the ranch.

On the journey home, I am taking it slow to soak in all the beauty of the morning. Ahead, everyone looks back. "Are you coming?" you can hear them say.

Let's pause near the beautiful oak grove.

And home again, home again, jiggity-jig!

I hope you enjoyed taking a walk with us in our little corner of the world.

I would like to thank everyone who has kept our little Narya in their thoughts and prayers. I am cautiously optimistic that she will make a full recovery. She is ever so much better than last weekend, and is getting stronger every day!

Till next time,

Slainte~
Rachelle

Who's the genius?

That created my spectacular new banner/header you ask?

Why, it is none other than the lovely Gattina, whom you can find at:

http://www.gattinamycats.blogspot.com/

She is wonderfully talented, tells hilarious stories about her cats, and is now creating these headers!

She can make any type you want, with any pictures or themes you want.

Take a look at her blog often, she changes hers all the time!

Drop by and see what she can create for you! I endorse her business fully.

I'll be back soon, we've had a setback with Narya and I am busy taking care of her :( Prayers are very welcome, she looks to be turning the good corner right now, but still, you can never have too many prayers and good thoughts! I am exausted, but when Narya is well, so will I be.

Slainte~
Rachelle

Alas, poor sink..... I knew thee well

I would like to introduce you to my new hero;

Yes, the common paper plate. So ordinary, your everyday sort of average guy. Not one to stand out in a crowd. Quiet and unassuming, the paper plate sits out it's life in your pantry, too boring for everyday use, not suitable for soup, and certainly too bourgeois for company.

And yet..... the humble paper plate is my hero.

Shock and awe...... sink, oh sink.... wherefore art thou sink?!?!?!?!?!?

Here marks the spot where my sink used to reside. It was beautiful! White and pristine, with a faucet that spurted water at the simple touch of it's handle.

That is, until...... (dun-dun-duuuunnnnnn) The Clog. The Clog came and lodged itself inside my sink's beautiful pipes and rendered my poor, wonderful sink impotent with just a chunk of solid matter.

Hubby thought The Clog was inside the pipes leading up to the sink. Just a simple matter of unhooking the pipes, and whoosh! Out would come the clog.

But alas, twas not meant to be. The Clog actually had the nerve to fix itself into the tiny connecting tubes in the sink itself. Oh dear.....

So, hubby, ever the fix it man, said- "No problem! I'll just take out the sink, take off the pipes and whoosh! Voila! Presto chango!! Fixed!" Uh-huh...... not. Taking out the sink caused the tiles along the sides to break off, causing the grout to have to be be removed, making fixing time stretch into days, causing.... this.

The great mess of our time. And this is only a small part of it.

While hubby had to replace tile, grout, glue and paint, (5 days now) the dishes amass themselves into great heaps that threaten to take over the entire house if left unchecked. Every plate, and spoon, cup and fork have been used. The trail of dirty dishes meanders along every available speck of counter space, onto the kitchen table, and gives me heart palpitations every time I enter the kitchen and think of the clean up.......

Enter My Hero! *sighs and flutters eyelashes*

Oh my sink, I never knew how much I loved you! I took you for granted, used you every day over and over and never told you how much I appreciated you! I callously scrubbed you, muttering under my breath about how much I hated cleaning you.... I threw things into you, never once considering your feelings! Do you really like potato peels and broccoli?

Never again! I swear by all that is pure and good in this world! I will never again take you for granted! I will spoil you rotten, make you sparkle with vitality all the days of your life! I will feed you only the purest ice to keep your disposal blades sharp, and never, ever will I mutter under my breath how much I hate doing the dishes! Never Again!!

*sigh*

There you lie...... your guts strewn all over the kitchen, your pipes torn asunder, rendered useless by The Clog.

Alas..... poor sink..... I knew thee well.

Alpacas as a metaphor for life

This is Narya. She had a rough start in life.

Born to a first time mother who got udder edema, Narya had to be supplemented when all she wanted was mom.

Many crias would have given up. At first, we weren't sure she was going to make it. But, here she is, at 9 days old.
As you can see, she is doing great- despite the odds. She fought the good fight- to great results.
Cheerful and bright, she races around the pen, then collapses in a heap to bask in the sunlight- heedless of how close a call she had in her first days of life. She is friendly, outgoing, and care free. She doesn't let life get in the way. A living testament to overcoming overwhelming circumstances.

She is an inspiration to anyone who strives to survive hardship, and a reminder to live life every day to it's fullest.

As the color changes on the poison oak, it reminds me of how something potentially so devastating and painful can be beautiful as well.

I am looking for the beauty...........................

Right now I am trying to learn a lesson from both Narya and the poison oak. My husband got laid off on my birthday. Life was criated, and hope was destroyed both on the same day- how is this possible? At first I simply rejoiced in the criation part, and ignored reality. But reality has a terrible way of intruding........

I am trying to learn......... this is the third time since 2001, and I don't know how I will learn whatever lesson there is if I haven't learned it already.

I am looking for the lesson................................

They say behind every hardship- there is a blessing in disguise.

I am looking for the blessing.............................

I am looking.........................................................

for the light at the end of the tunnel.

A new Alpaca arrival!

And here she is! Narya, named after Gandalf's ring, in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Thank you Silfiriel for this beautiful name!

Narya made her appearance on my birthday, which was fabulous. This is too funny, because this is actually the third cria born on my birthday in the 8 years we have been breeding! And they have all been girls too, which is such a blessing. First there was Arwen Undomiel in 2000- who you see as my profile picture. Then there was Rosie Cotton last year, and now Narya!
Cool beans methinks.

So, what now follows is a photo montage of her birth, enjoy!


Her first appearance, the amniotic fluid filled sac, with just a hint of her nose all pink showing. This is when the alpaca owner starts playing the "Guess that color" game! So far, so good, this is what we want to see.
After the sac ruptures, you should see the head present- nose and toes we call it- so far, right on! Trouble starts when you see feet first with no head, or don't see any progression at all after the pushing starts.
This cracked me up. Here she is, nose and toes (and legs) sticking out, and Lady G. is having a snack without a care in the world!! HA!
This is textbook presentation, very, very good. After the cria stayed there for a while, I thought Lady G. would appreciate a little help. The chest cavity of an alpaca cria is actually the largest part of the body to deliver, and sometimes they need just a little gentle traction. Seeing as how this was Lady G.'s first birth, I thought I would help. So I pulled carefully during a big push, and out she came!

Funny how first timers always deliver right by the poo pile, they think they have a big poo to push out! LOL

All crias are wobbly at first, some more than others. They have been so cramped in there that usually they take a day or so to straighten out, sometimes longer. They can have loosey-goosey ligaments, or sometimes contracted tendons from their position in the womb. After about 35 births, I can tell who has trouble beyond the norm, and who doesn't. Narya has some trouble with being a bit down on her pasterns, with her ligaments loose in the front legs, and a little tight in the back. Notice how her back legs aren't straight? All this will straighten (no pun intended) itself out in time, without any manipulation from me. She was a bit dysmature, not in days as she was born at 339 days gestation, so well within normal limits, but her teeth are not erupted and her legs tell me she was perhaps not completely done cooking in the oven. This happens sometimes.
Here she is saying hello to the group. Mom and she were placed in a smaller pen to bond together. You can see Rosie's black head and Elbereth's fawn one hanging over the panels. All the other alpacas are very curious when a new cria is born, and they sometimes make nuisances of themselves, getting in the way of nursing and knocking over the new babe. My llama boy Mithril is their "nanny guardian" and he was very, very sweet with her!
Trying to get the hang ov nursing, and this is where I first got my hunch she might have some trouble. See, she was a bit too wobbly to be able to stay under mom in the correct position and latch on to a teat. Combine that with Lady G. who has a huge udder, and her teats were so engorged Narya couldn't latch on to them. It got freezing here, of course! So we put on a coat for her, but as you can see, she is much smaller than the smallest (warm) coat we had! So we wrapped her in a wool scarf, put the coat over that, and I put a sock on her neck (can't see it in this picture).
She won't give up on nursing though, and that's wonderful! So, in concern that she wouldn't get adequate colostrum from mom in that most crucial 24 hour time period, we supplemented her with cow's colostrum every 2 hours all day and night. Saturday morning Lady G's udder was so engorged, we had to put hot packs on it and massage it for her to relieve some of the pressure. Narya was still too wobbly to latch on, and was getting lethargic, so we started tubing, vs bottle feeding her as she wasn't drinking any more voluntarily, with the colostrum and goats milk to get her jump started. The first 48 hours is so scary. Lady G. is an excellent first time momma, and clicks and nudges her babe into the right position to nurse, then stands like a statue while the baby sucks on and licks everywhere just trying to get it right, but if the cria isn't able to stay in that position, or latch on- she will be in serious trouble.

After a successful day of tube feeding, and a weight gain of 1/4 lb, I believe Narya is out of the woods, and we will continue to supplement her as needed, but mommas udder is starting to soften up, and baby is only getting stronger. Her legs are straightening up nicely, and we expect mom and baby both to be a great team within a few days.

Here she is this morning, without her coat and enjoying the sunshine!

I hope you enjoyed Narya's birthing experience, and now I am breathing a sigh of relief, as I know her first hurdle is over. With a cria who doesn't get mother's colostrum in the first 24 hours, there is always a risk or FTT- Failure to Thrive, which means the cria did not get adequate antibody transfers. This condition can cause the cria to be susceptible to infection and the risk of sudden death goes up dramatically.

With us getting colostrum in her, starting her on antibiotics, and tubing her regularly, she has a good chance to bypass this condition.

I always say 7 days is the clincher. After 7 days of life, I rest easy. So, I will pray, and we will all see Narya next week, healthy and strong!

Slainte~
Rachelle