Saturday, November 03, 2007

I give up...........

All Photographs copyrighted by: Rachelle Black 2007
Here's Narya, all better! She says thanks to all of you for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers :))


I apologize for being out of touch for so long. I know it can be worrisome when someone you care about disappears for a while...... after a major crisis..... hmmmmmm- that really does sound bad, doesn't it?
Sorry! But I've been very, very busy. You see, I have been busy being severely depressed. You'd be amazed at how much time and effort that takes!
Hiding in my house, eating 12 meals a day and not talking to anyone, it's extremely time consuming.
Playing the PS-2 and escaping from reality have been my forte for the last few weeks. I mean, In & Out is a great job for teenagers, but not so much when you have a family of 4.
Hubby still doesn't have a 'real' job, and no money can certainly play tricks on your mind.
Take for instance the following: haunting dreams of being homeless, having to sell all of our socks to pay for groceries, reading by candelight to conserve energy, and forcing your kids to buskie on the street corner with their instruments and an old hat just to make ends meet.

Looking at all my beautiful alpacas and wondering how long I will be able to keep them....



But all that's behind me! I have decided just to no longer be depressed! It's that simple.

Want to hear my new weight loss plan? Well, you know all those starving children in China, er, or was that Africa- I'm going with Africa, that's what mom used to say- anyway, I am going to box up my extra poundage and ship it over there! They can use the extra weight, I'm helping myself, and some needy kids at the same time. Good plan, right? I haven't figured out how to get the pounds off of me and into the box yet, but don't bother me with details, eh?


And job shmob, who needs it? I'm going to make a fortune selling my sparkling personality! I am sure if I can just figure out how to bottle it up, we'll be rich, rich, RICH!!


***heavy sigh***





Who am I kidding, life's a bleak as these photos, well, except for this one. However, the latest in bleak moments occured when my son turned 16 this October. See http://pasturemusings.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_archive.html and read the "I am so old...." post I did about his birthday last year. And I thought I was old then, HA!! Little did I know.

Tonight, my son goes on his first date. I think....... I'm going....... to die. Date?!?! When did he get old enough to date?? Wasn't he playing with Thomas the Tank Engine just last week?!?!?!?
Hard and fast rule around here, no dating until you are 16, then only in groups until you are 18. Great, he is raring to go now! They are going bowling with some other teens. Even if mom still has to drive them, it is still, officially, The First Date.

When did this happen? Did I blink or something? Because I have not blinked in, oh, about..... oh crap, 16 years. That's how it happens, you blink- and they are grown up. That stinks.

But my son? He's wonderful. Smart, funny, and oh so talented. I love him!

All manicness (wow on that word) aside, I am okay, really. And.........
I think I'll take a lesson from The Lump and Jack here, after all- there's a lot to be said for just snuggling down with a furry friend and letting the storm blow over.
Slainte~
Rachelle

47 comments:

Casdok said...

Glad to hear your feeling better.
Your sons first date, very scarey!! I sincerly hope it goes well for him!

Mousie/Paisible said...

oh yes dear, times are so difficult sometimes...i did feel very depressed some days ago , once you have been depressed it comes back regularly...but as long as you know it, you can try and do things...hibernating, being quiet in a cosy little corner is the best way...don't worry sweetheart, Spring will come...
I send you all my love...

Sandy Kessler said...

handsome guy. My baby will be 34 and I am counting the days when he will be here for Christmas..Narya a lovely girl thank you for photo.Now I lost my job due to cancer. But I make quit a bit of change on the computer and at home., Every little bit helps. I tutor with a company called a to Z tutoring in my school district. They are on computer. Another cutomer service type is hirepoint.com just passing that on because it has become a blessing to me .. sk Depression is fought only with attitude and proactivity . I agree.Whenever I think of being forcced by a good paying job by health , I switch to how glad i am to be alive.. ciao sk

Rachelle said...

I posted this on the other comment section, but I thought it best to do it here too, so you can all see how much I love you!

Shrink, Victorya, Easy, Silfiriel, Catmoves, Chewy, Mousie, Sandy and Casdok..... um.... I'm Okay! LOL just out of the groove for the moment. I feel a bit like a record with a skip, doomed to repeat the same word over and over until someone presses down on the needle, or in my case, smacks me upside the head! HA!

Casdok, I think I need some autistic time with my little buddy. That's what my next blog is going to be about, my little buddy and how he lights up my life!

I promise to do better about checking in regularly this blog entry! I do I do!

I love and thank you all for being there for me, I sincerely do. I can't tell you how wonderful you all are, there just ain't the right words!
((massive amounts of hugging))
Rachelle

Calamity Jane said...

Hold the truck bound for Africa would you? I have some extra pounds I want to send that way too.

I hope things look up for you soon Rachelle.

By the way I have a Lumpy in the family. one of our err, pet names for one of our cats is Mr Lumps, or Dougal-Lumps or sometimes even plain old Lumps! His name is actually Dougal :-)

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Awww, that last photo just melted my heart!

Rachelle, I put myself in isolation and eat too - it ALWAYS works for me ((hugs)).

Are you SURE this is this boy's first date? He's far too cute to have avoided the flocks of girlies queuing up at the door.. and yeah, time flies faaaaar too fast, don't 'ya think? Hope the job front picks up, hon - there is always a shed over here waiting for you and yours, just in case. Welcome back, beautiful lady, we've missed you lots. ((x))

david mcmahon said...

We're all here for you, Rachelle. And I'll be the first to buy your bottled brilliance ....

Angela said...

Welcome home from your wasteland of depression!

silfiriel said...

Hey, you!
I give up!!!??? i almost didn't believe my eyes, but I wear glasses (short sight)so I kinda had to.
But in my heart i knew it couldn't be true, and I was right. It's nice to read your scribblings again :).
I had a chance once to talk to a doctor, (the best in his field, he was a guest in the hotel I work) and about depression , he said that "it's the greatest luxury a man can indulge himself/herself". I don't know if you know what he meant, but I kinda feel he was right.
But than again he is a doctor, a rich one, what does he know of real life. Still he was right.

Hugs for Narya, I can see from the pic she is OK and that she's under your protection and love

Pozdrav

mrsnesbitt said...

Hi Rachelle, just popping by to see how you are doing!

((((HUGS))))
Denise
xx

CHEWY said...

Narya's okay! Woo-Hoo!

You have been away for a while but this post makes up for it. Missed you.

These barren branched tree photos are great. Like they want to reach out and pull me in.

Mary said...

Hi Rachelle!
Nice to see you back.
Nice to here that cutey Narya is better.
Come visit me on my blogs when you feel up to it.

Bye :)

Victorya said...

:( Not a fan of the title, but am a fan of you. Keep it up, get some fuzzy therapy. I had some this week, well, last week. The cat was an anxiety ridden cutter - had sores on his body from where he attacked himself in frustration over his life. The owner said he's getting better, it's just hard for the fellow (after four years he was rehomed to the place I met him). Also said the cat would just hide under the bed.

Don't you know, he spent the night on my lap purring and kissing me. We both needed it I suppose, sympatico in the animal world.

The point being - just get out there and purr in someones lap, let it all out, let love flow and see what happens. We're here for you, and Lord knows I've got a big enough lap. Heck, I can help out a few people myself. . .

Helena said...

OOOOOOOOO so glad to see Narya there!

And oh dear... the black beastie has hit again, has he? Hmmm... yep, just when I thought I was out of the woods, along came some poo and pushed me back down too!

Sometimes I think, what's the point of getting up, if I'm just going to end up back down here? I bet you know what I mean!

But the point is that, if you get depression, especially the bi-polar type, life really IS those ups and downs. You're on a roller coaster.

What you have to try to do is tell yourself, "all things pass, and that includes feeling bad". You've been UN-depressed before, you WILL be UN-depressed again. You got up last time, no reason why you won't this time.

Least, this is what I have been lying awake the last week or so telling myself!!!!!

So this comment isn't a nag at you it's at myself, ok?

BTW years ago I built a website for Chistians with depression. Don't know if it would help, but it is still up here:

Bruised Reeds

Rachelle, I have a great book that helps with depression, a light, pick in and out of book. I keep replacing my copy because I give it away so often! Well I have another copy here again, so if you email me your address I'll post it to you! skutter8@hotmail.com

Email me any time you get the black beastie. Really!

Lotsa hugs,

H

singleton said...

Wishing you light and love and laughter. And money! At least enough to feed those beautiful youngins, animals, and save the homestead. You guys have worked so hard for everything, for each other, of course it's depressing when it all gets threatened, but I have a feeling you all are tougher than ever....and this too shall pass. Wishing you peace, sweetie, soon, and love....

Rachelle said...

Dear CJ,
well, I think we need to come up with a 'Plan B'.
Seems they don't want our overused poundage, ungrateful if you ask me!
*indignant sniff*
hmmm..... wonder if they need it in France.....

Thanks for the note, Lumpy, AKA: Fatty Lumpkins, says hi!
Slainte~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Carol,
Well my friend, I know that you know, that I know.... wait a minute....
I know you can feel my pain girl! :))

Thanks for dropping in and I will pass on your sweet words to my boy, he will be glad to read them!
See you soon,

Of course, as soon as I say I will check in more regularly, I leave to go to my mom's place to help her recover from surgery...
Slainte~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear David,
Thanks a million! And when I make my first million off of my "Sparkling Essence" I'll send a limo over and we'll take a dinner out on me!!
HA!
Slainte~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Angela,
Thanks! It is dark there, and there aren't many torches, so I am glad to be back.
Thanks for visiting!
Slainte~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Silfiriel,
Well, you know I can't *really* give up. Who would kiss the pacas?? :))

I don't know about that doctor, my thought is he never suffered from depression, but I can understand where he might think it indulgent.

Sometimes when I am beginning a downward spiral it *feels* indulgent, but then after a time of being in blackest water unable to get up for air, it no longer can be seen as mere 'endulgence', you know?

I have suffered from depression my whole life, so you'd think I'd be used to it, and remember to bring my oxygen and flashlights huh? :))

Thanks for being there my friend, I know it was my dazzling wit and remarkable sense of humor (cough-choke-gag) that pulled you in. Thanks for sticking around when times get tough, you're a real friend.
Slainte~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Denise,
Oh my! I can feel those warm hugs right in my heart, thank you my dear!
Slainte~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Hi Chewy,
you nailed it on the head my dear!
They are exactly like depression.
That's why I took them! They typified my feelings about where I was perfectly.

Thanks for dropping in!
(hugs)
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Mary,
It's on my to do list! I have been with my mom, and I'll be going back there tomorrow to help her out some more, but I will as soon as I get back, I can't wait!
Thanks for dropping by :))
Slainte~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Victorya,
I know you can totally relate to where I am. I thank you for your strength and courage, you are an example to me of how to overcome.
Thanks, and I'm off to purr in someone's lap....er, I might break it though! LOLOL~~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Helena,
Did I ever tell you I love your name? Well, I do :)

I thank you for your kindness, I know you are totally familiar with where I am! I am not bipolar, but have suffered from severe depression all my life, and am very familiar with "the pit" as I call it.

Helena, you too are an inspiration to me, and I hope you remember that there is always a reason to get back up again. When I can't see it, I just have faith it is there, and it always reappears eventually. Family, friends, animals, they are all like beacons that shine in the dark for me to find my way out again.

Although sometimes the reason for getting up again is out of sight, and seems to have vanished leaving only despair, in reality it is just waiting for us around the bend. I hope we never lose hope girl, the world would be such a dull and dreary place without us!
And, b.t. Bear (Esq) needs you! And I need him, he is like oxygen to me. :))

(hugs) and prayers, because I believe in them,
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Singleton,
Maybe I just need to take a vaca to your place of dreams huh?
I can see myself scribbling on your floor, buried in the sand, and drinking a non alcoholic beverage in the dark on the beach looking at the stars with you....
Perfect! Just what the doctor ordered!
I'm on my way ;^)
Slainte~
Rachelle

Mousie/Paisible said...

just coming for the evening kiss...keep you in my thoughts...be well sweetheart...

it is the little things said...

No wonder we haven't run in to each other...I've been in isolation as well. It's not good for us, and we need to get OUT! :)

Today I drove to a nearby city and visited a rancher selling Alpacas. I thought of you, of course, and just fell in love with those little guys.

When I have a job, and a place to live, I've promised the kids we might just invest in two, or three...

Good luck with things. I am thinking good thoughts for you and your family!

Helena said...

Saw a baby paca on tv today and thought of you! It was pronking! LOL!

HUgs to you! Hope you are ok.

H

Catmoves said...

Rachelle we missed you too. Not happy to hear of your depression, but I have faith in your strong will and am very sure things will be good for you soon.
And you're good for my vocabulary too.
I think you were referring to a Bobby burns poem with this word: "For Johnie o' the Buskie-Glen
I dinna care a single flie:
He lo'er sae weel his craps and kye,
He has nae love to spare for me."
Right or wrong?

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Psst.. where are you? Are you okay, bonny lass? I'm thinking of you. (x)

singleton said...

Rachelle....the sand and stars are free sweetie, and you're welcome anytime.....sometimes it's never ever land and sometimes it's just a breath, big enough and loud enough, to get us through the day.....
Wishing you peace and love

South Florida Alpacas & friends said...

RB,
Some of the things I do well is help others get relief from stress and depression. Depressions, we know, program them selves into our neural system often leaving sort of "hair trigger" automatic responses to things that look, feel or otherwise seem like something that we decided to be depressed about to begin with, sooooo, a pattern gets embedded and is frequently retriggered. To undo such, several things are needed...the first is a "move forward" or "future framing" of better scenes in your head....mental scenes that are to occur in the not distant future. Thes eshould be rather detailed, three dimensional, all angles...AND THEN, you shake...literally SHAKE LIKE A MIXMASTER for a while....which sort of discaboobalates the nerve pathways temporarily. While the nerve responses are "broken away" from their typical depression reactions and don't yet know what to respond to...you "see" the new vision that you designed...and see it working for your life. Repeated "seeing" of this improved life...puts it in place of the depression triggers of the nerve pathway. Sure, there's more...assigning pleasure and reward systems to each phase of your moving into the proactive improved vision as it turns to your reality...is part of that. Rewards for doing better....always. Soooo, being around fuzzy friends...is soothing, and doing things for them, is reacting in positive ways. It's a start out of a rut.
Going into ruts dig graves, so rock on and out to other visions and things. If one thing ain't a workin', do something different. Same thing applies to the hubby and job hunts...got see the self doing things and being rewarded.
Go ahead...ask me how I know this stuff...or carefully read my blog and then search my name. Hugs and Hums, CD

Rachelle said...

Dearest Mousie,
Thank you my dear for the visit!
(hugs)
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear ITLT,
Yup, we've both been in the same cave looks like...
Anyone seen Osama?
:))
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Helena,
You saw a baby paca?
Cool beans!
I knew there were ranches in the UK!
:))
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Catmoves,
*makes that annoying buzzer sound* wrong!

To 'buskie' is a musician term that means to 'sell' your music.

All those folks in NY city who are playing on street corners? They are 'buskie... er, um... ing'
I am not sure I spelled it right.

But wow, I am impressed with your knowledge! :)) and I'm going to read the whole poem, it is in one of my books.
Slainte~
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Shrink,
I'm here, I was just at my mom's taking care of her.
I am writing about it now!
See you soon my lady,
Rachelle

Rachelle said...

Dear Sigleton,
I'm on my way!!!!!!!

Rachelle said...

Dear Sigleton,
I'm on my way!!!!!!!

Rachelle said...

Dear CD,
I will do that, thank you for the advice!
I hope to be able to check you out, er, I mean, your *site* out LOL very soon.
Thanks for dropping in!
Slainte~
Rachelle

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