Monday, April 02, 2007

What dreams may come

In May it will be two years since my best friend died.
It used to be I would dream of her waving at me in passing, like she was letting me know she was still around, not to worry.
It has been quite a while since my last dream of her. I don't cry every day anymore, or when someone mentions her name, or when I think of her family left behind.

Sometimes grief will sneak up behind me and grab hold of my throat, choking me when I least expect it. Like a couple of weeks ago at church when a speaker started talking about how good she was. Then I break down and start to sob. It all comes back to me in a rush, oh yea, she is gone, she won't be coming back...... I do still miss her.

I haven't been sleeping well these last few nights. Having some health struggles of my own right now, I am on some new medication and it is interfering with my sleep patterns. As I have mentioned before, I dream in living color. Big, bold, save the world dreams where I have to be the hero or watch the entire human race go down in flames. Lately my dreams have been particularly heart wrenching.

I dreamed that it was, in fact, the end of the world. Everyone was running towards these bunkers and there was chaos and screaming. Fleeing from some nameless terror vaguely familiar and seen just around the edges, perhaps from the corner of your eye, we ran pell mell.

Upon arriving in one of the bunkers, I looked around me and realized how few we were in numbers. Bunched into furtive groups, some hiding in fear from the faceless enemy, some hiding their evil human nature away, biding their time to feed upon the few valiant left in the world. Some exhibited a newfound suspiciousness of one another, "Are you one of them?" their eyes asked. Or one who seeks to take advantage of these treacherous times? Sheltering their children from other's eyes.
I came to understand my family wasn't with me. I ran from bunker to bunker searching frantically. One such bunker housed Satan worshipping minions. Formerly afraid to boast of their religion, relegated to hiding and secrecy in the past, they openly revelled in this new world and blatantly flaunted their evil natures- posting large banners proclaiming their beliefs and their intent to take over the souls of those left behind to rebuild a decent, upstanding society.

I stated my intent to these robed and hooded faceless entities, to remain valiant, and bravely, with great fear in my heart, stood up to proclaim that good would indeed conquer evil in the end. I remember the fear....

Searching for hours, I found no trace of my family. I peered into one bunker and recognized a family I knew. They too were short members of their family. They stressed to me that they had not seen my daughter or son, and I left bereft.

In the next bunker I came to, I saw my daughter from behind. It was her! Her hair, the shape of her silhouette, backlit by sun streaming in the window. My heart rejoiced, at last! I ran to embrace her and the young woman turned to me.... it wasn't her. I crumpled to the floor in despair. I sobbed, and screamed, tearing at my hair for I simply knew I would never find her, or any of my other family members. I was alone.

I awoke with my eyes puffy, crying my heart out. I went back to sleep only to relive the last few moments of my dream, over and over again. Waking each time to find myself weeping and feeling that terrible ache in my heart that convinced me it was not a dream. Unable to fully awaken, unable to try and search further, to alter the ending of the dream, destined to return again and again to the same place and relive that awful realization over and over again- I despaired of ever feeling whole again.

Finally I was able to break the cycle and awaken fully. Rushing to my daughter's room I sat at her bedside forever stroking her face and reassuring myself that it was, in fact, only a dream. On to my son's room for the same routine.

As I write this, I weep again, so powerful was this dream.

What was it? A horrible premonition of some event to come? An underlying fear of loss that is buried in my subconscious and manifesting itself in my dreams? That's what the experts say happens anyway.... Everyone knows that a mother's most powerful fear is the loss of a child. But what purpose does a dream like this serve?

--sigh-- I wish I could just sleep, only sleep.

Last night I dreamed of my friend Jane. She was standing on the edge of, well..... something. I ran to her and hugged her tightly. Telling her how much I loved her, and how much I admired her. Knowing she was going to die, I expressed my desire to be able to do something, anything to help her. I couldn't tell her that she was going to die, so I was trying to find some way to just do something to help.

I don't know if I meant to prevent her death, or to help her prepare for it, or even if it was a simple wish to help her family afterwards deal with such a terrible loss. All I know is that she hugged me back, and that I knew I had let her know how much I loved her..... before she was gone. Maybe this dream was her way of telling me that she knew it all along.

Regrets, yup, I've got them. I learned a powerful lesson with the loss of my friend. Tell people you love them, admire them, treasure them every day, while you can.

For days after my dream about losing my family, I had to stop and hug my daughter. The feelings of hopelessness I felt coming back fully every time I saw her face.

I have to wonder, what purpose do dreams of the apocalyptic kind serve? To remind me to strengthen my faith for trials ahead? To serve as a reminder of the fragility of mortal life? I don't know.

Maybe it's just hormones.... ha-ha.

Till next time my friends.




Sarah said...

Woah - I hate to think this dream is ever going to come true but sometimes you do wake with that very powerful feeling that you had a dream for a reason. Hopefully this one was just to help you appreciate all the blessings you currently have with your family and friends rather than a glimpse of the future. It often shocks me how much more raw my emotions are in dreams. It doesn't happen often, but I sometimes wake with a cry and feel exposed, weak and shameful. I feel like dreams are one of the great mysteries of mankind and am waiting with fear/hope for when we know what they mean and where they come from.

I'm so sorry about your friend. You will see her again.

Gattina said...

It must have been a blue sunday for your after such horrible dreams ! Always think that the Jehova witnesses promised us the end of the world since at least 70 years ! and you can be sure it will last at least another 70 !
Thanks for the tea for Mr. Gattino, he catched an awful cold on monday because he walked our neighbors dog (she lay in bed with a bronchitis) and it was wet and cold. Or should I be suspicious and tell myself he catched it from my neighbor ??? (giggles*)

Kaze said...

Maybe you can see it this way -Dreams are just another world you can visit, and that world of yours has your best friend in it, while the other has other friends and family + blog!

I'm sorry about your friend, and I hope you feel better!


Robyne said...

I am sorry about that rotten dream..they stay with you sometimes all day dont they?
I remember when I was a student learning about a tribe where every morning they would meet to discuss their dreams and together talk about the lessons learnt and the places visited. When a dream didnt turn out the way they wanted they would go to back to sleep with the intention of re-dreaming it and having an ending they wanted. If it was only that simple eh?

My mother used to say to us when we went to bed as children "think of lovely things like fairies and you will have lovely dreams". Your story reminded me of that..thank you

cozmic said...

Hay Rachelle, what a dream/nightmare, I am able to tell you that just because you dream of certain things, it does not mean that they will come true. A while ago, I had a recurring dream that I was a knife wealding assasin, killing everyone around me, a slash here a stab there. It was quite horrific, and in the mornings I was left feeling quite exhausted. But I didn't turn into the assasin. The dreams you had I suspect were something to do with the illness you were experiencing at the time. The dream of your friend though, was her visiting you to tell you that she is ok, and that she knows how you feel about her.
Live long and prosper, cozmic

Rachelle Black said...

Hay Cozmic,
LOLOL!!! An assassin indeed... I think I read about that in the paper... KIDDING! Too funny.
I have been a super hero once or twice, that was fun!

I certainly appreciate the debate about what dreams mean you guys. If you study Native American culture, dreams are an integral part of life, to be studied and learned from and even at times, influenced. Cool beans, That said, I'm ready for dreams about rainbows and Care Bears about now! :))

I love all of you, you are so great!

Mousie said...

we miss you sweetheart...come back...leave the old nightmare behind...don't forget we love you dearly...

Mousie said...

just coming for the Sunday morning kiss, have a nice day darling...
love from Mousie

pflower10 said...

I too have had similar dreams about loved ones who have died and I was able to have that last conversation with them. When I woke up it seemed so real even though I knew it was a dream. I am so sorry about your friend.

I had an end of the world dream that the South came back and conquered the North, VERY BIZZARE, and we all had to wear the confederate uniforms. I thought that it would make a great movie or book. go figure.

YOu write so beautifully.

Rachelle Black said...

Ha! Now THAT would be a dream to remember, the South winning! Would I get/have to wear a corset?? *visions of that divine Scarlett O'Hara party dress flutter through my head* :))
Glad you stopped by, see you again!

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