Goodbye old friend

Saying goodbye...

People say, "It's only a dog."


"It doesn't have feelings like we do."

"It's only a dumb animal."

"What are you getting all worked up about? Just let it go."

They look at you, and they don't understand. Call you crazy, say you are just making up for not having children, or call you "the cat lady" or worse.

They don't get it. I used to try and explain it, try to get them to understand.

Now, I just pity them.

They've never known that kind of love. Unconditional, devoted, one of a kind love.

They've never looked into a dog's eyes and seen a glimpse of something much better than we are. Never judging, ever. Peace, kindness, trust and love unfeigned. No pretense, no act put on to look good. Nothing fake or insincere... just purity, goodness and a gentle nature that surely comes from a God given soul.

They say that because a dog will love someone, even if that someone is terrible to them, they must be dumb. I say it's because they believe there is good in everyone- they're just waiting for it to show up.

Of course, by now you know why I'm writing. Writing is what I do when I am in pain, when I am suffering grief and can't do anything else but cry and write.

On Wednesday I had to put down my companion of 10 years. Ironic that picture above of her and Diane our cat. Ironic that it's the two I've lost, both within a year.

We got Tequila from a man who was dating a friend of mine. He said he wanted to get settled in his new place, then he would come and get her. We didn't know anything about her, so we put her outside near a shed on a tie out. She seemed to be a pleasant dog, she was quiet and nice.

After the first bag of food was dropped off, her owner disappeared and we never saw him again.

Tequila's endless pacing and staring down the road at where his car had vanished were the last straw for me and in the house she came. One night, looking so forlorn at the loss of her owner I couldn't bear it, I invited her up on the couch where I was laying. She didn't want to get on the couch, she knew she shouldn't, but I managed to coax her up and we lay there together for hours bonding. That did it.

I soon found out what a wonderful dog she was, well trained- very obedient, Tequila became my dog, and I told my friend if her boyfriend ever showed up for her I would call the police, he didn't own a dog anymore.

Tequila quickly became a member of our family, she tolerated the cats, never went after the alpacas, and was all together perfect. My son Cameron loved her greatly. He would even greet her sometime before me after being gone! Excellent watch dog, always let us know if someone, or something was here that wasn't us.

She had two litters of pups from the boxer down the canyon who managed to get into her pen somehow and knock her up while we were gone one day. He used to sit on my porch staring onto the house and whining for her...

Everyone wanted her puppies, they were so good, and they went fast. After the second litter we had people lined up for more. One lady who had taken 2 of them brought them up several times to show us, and asked us repeatedly if we were going to breed her again. But we got her fixed. Perhaps even then the cancer had started, because the vet said her uterus literally fell apart in her hands when it was removed.

The greatest gift she gave me was one of her pups- my Fatty Lumpkins. You can see him in the silly hat on the left with his momma. He is the dog of my heart, and I treasure him. Without him now, I simply could not bear being parted from my friend.

He is grieving now, this 'dumb animal without feeling' cried Friday night while he lay next to me.

He looks for her... we look for her to come home. He paces, he whines, he lays on her bed- he would never lay on her bed, only on his- and he doesn't eat.

There is an empty place in our hearts and our home.

I feel blessed to have had this precious animal in my life. I am glad I was there for she who comforted me so often in my life, at the end of hers. To hold her head in my lap, and tell her how much she meant to me, and how I loved her. To look into her eyes one last time.

My darling girl, I miss you so. I will never forget you. Thank you for being in my life, I hope to live a live worthy enough to be reunited with you someday. Until then, wait for me....

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play.

There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing: they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. Her bright eyes are intent; her eager body quivers. Suddenly she begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, her legs carrying her faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face, your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life, but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together...

Author unknown

Farewell my friend...

This is my friend Brenda.
This is her son, the light of my life and my little buddy, Levi. Notice the cheesy smile!
This was the last time I saw him in June, after his momma had been missing for a little over 3 weeks. He is at my house, and this is the only time he let go of me long enough for me to take a picture of him. The rest of the time he held my hand sitting right next to me on the couch as we watched videos and talked, or he sat on my lap. All 13 years of him.

Brenda and Levi came into my life like a hurricane eight years ago when I decided I wanted to go back to work in special education for the first time since the birth of my children. My daughter was in 1st grade then, and I wanted to be at the same school with her and to be able to bring in a little extra money at the same time. I had previously worked in the special education field for 20 years, all the way up to, and a little bit after the birth of my first child- when I decided I wanted to be home with my baby, and that getting my head bashed into the chalkboard was soooo yesterday.

Enter Levi. Levi is autistic, and my specialty in my career choice of special education was autistic children, especially those with aggressive behavior disorders. He fit that bill perfectly.
Tiny but powerful, Levi lived inside his head to the exclusion of all else. Full of anger and frustration that his limited communication skills would not allow him to express fully, he had already been there done that kindergarten thing, but it was decided it would be tried again here on the mountain and with a 1:1 aide. That turned out to be me.
Little did I know that my life would forever be changed by Levi and his mother.

The first time I met Brenda I recognized her as an alcoholic. I was able to see her with different eyes than most everyone else, as I am also an alcoholic- sober 18 years this past April. Most people just saw a drunk, I saw a woman who fought many demons daily. I saw a woman of courage and great strength who had to walk through a valley filled with traps each and every day. Someone who would do ANYTHING for her child. Someone who was lost, and had no knowledge at all that she was a child of God and that there was a father in Heaven who loved her more than she could comprehend.

To say that Brenda's life revolved around Levi would be the understatement of the century. As a single mother, Brenda was the hub of Levi's existence, and her reason for living. She loved him fiercely. As it is with most autistic children, Levi had trouble with self control. He was on the path to trouble with his hitting and slapping, and Brenda was the recipient of that all too frequently. Still, she stayed.

There were times in my career where I found myself forced to call Child Protective Services on a parent because their child was at risk for injury or abuse. That child would be healthier, happier and safer outside their home environment.

I knew that Levi would die if he were taken from Brenda, and that the same was true for her. They lived and breathed for each other, and their lives were richer for their relationship. They were like the earth and the sun orbiting around each other.

When Levi was in second grade, I wrote a book about him. It is called "Donny is Different".
Brenda was thrilled by it, and everyone who read it loved it. Levi was very intelligent, sweet, kind and very affectionate to those whom he loves, a very different kind of child from the typical autistic children I had ever worked with before- at any age. Capable of learning reading, and basic math, yet still super involved with self stimulation, prone to be extremely loud and to horrible tantrums, Levi was able to show impulse control- something most autistic children are not able to exhibit at all. Levi was mainstreamed all throughout his school time here with regular classes, and made many 'normal' friends who were kind and very accepting of him.

It was my pleasure to be able to work professionally with him from kindergarten through third grade, and to see him mature and completely stop any aggressive behavior and tantrumming.
To grow into a fine young man who can carry on a normal conversation with you, express himself fully and coherently, and whose loving personality and winsome smile can light up a room the instant he walks in.

Over the years I became close to
Brenda, and even after I stopped working with Levi in the school- he went on to the middle school up here and I stayed home with my daughter who was having health problems- Levi would come to my house once a week and I would tutor him. My children learned all about autism from Levi, Cameron and Codi both learned to love him. My daughter especially held a special place in her heart for him because they attended the same schools all through the years and she saw how cruel children could be and stuck up for him whenever she could.
We went to his birthday parties, exchanged gifts for all the holidays, and often we would just stop by and tell them we loved them. I advocated for him at IEPs and spent some time in his middle school classes so I could report back to Brenda that everything was indeed going well.

Brenda always said we were family, that I would always be a part of their lives, no matter where they went or how old we all got to be. She said that she told her sister- who was Levi's guardian in case something ever happened to Brenda- that I was to be kept in his life, always. That I was family.
We talked a lot, about everything. She was there for me through a whole lot of crap in my life, and I always told her how incredibly strong she was- and she never believed me. Always positive about everybody else and always self deprecating, that was Brenda.

Once she touched my daughter deeply by taking her into her room and opening her jewelry box, and giving many pieces of old and beautiful costume jewelry to her. She said "I don't have a daughter, so you will be mine and I'll share you with your mom from now on."

Last year she found love. It was a man who said he loved her, and who -more importantly- loved Levi. This was what Brenda had been looking for, she was beaming, and lovely in love. They moved out of their little trailer and into his house. She sold all of her belongings, truly believing this would be the last move she would ever have to make. Levi would have the daddy he deserved, they would be a whole family...
Things were strained but she tried to make it work.
Then things became abusive, and she moved back into her mobile home, and that was the beginning of the end.

This is my Levi in the third grade with his science project.

Now for the hard part and I apologise ahead of time if I am too brief and short on the whole story, it is very painful and I only hope that writing about it might ease that a little.

I said that the last time I saw Levi was in June. The day after this picture was taken he moved off the mountain and with his aunt.

In May, Brenda went missing.
Prior to this, everyone had noted a change in Brenda. I noticed she was more depressed. She wasn't returning my calls. Since the hard break up a few months earlier, she had vacillated between an "everything's gonna be even better now" attitude and being overwhelmed and frustrated, and then there was the sadness...

She went through a stage shortly after the break up where she was trying to figure out her life, Levi had her smoking outside all the time, handwritten "No Smoking In The House!!!" signs on the door, and Brenda was talking about getting sober. Having quit drugs already after a scary stint in rehab, I encouraged her- you can do it! It lasted for a while, and during that time Brenda looked for God. She looked in books, she prayed all the time, and she even asked me about my church. She had often said she wanted Levi to know about Jesus, and I had invited him to church many times, but to Levi Jesus was in his heart, and church was where you had to be quiet all the time.

Brenda invited the missionaries from my church to come and talk with her, and invited me as well to come. She said she saw what God was doing in my life, and she wanted that for herself. She always had faith that He was there, she gave thanks to Him daily for the many blessings in her life- what was missing was the personal knowledge that she was a highly valued daughter of God. That she had a divine purpose, and that most importantly, she could find redemption through Him.

I had great hope that she would find what she was looking for, but she couldn't.
She became morose, called me a few times crying, could I just take Levi for a while?
Then, I heard nothing from her for a whole month. Then came May, and she was gone.
That May day Brenda dressed up nicely, and got on one of our local transit buses. Everyone thought she was going to work, but later her friend found a note from her saying she just couldn't do it anymore.

In the note she said to take Levi to her sister, that she loved him with all her heart, and that she was tired.

She left a perfectly packed bag for Levi in her house, and her wallet and purse with all her ID in it next to the bag where it would be found easily.

She was last seen in a mini mart where she bought a turkey sandwich and a bottle of vodka.
People said she just took off, she had done it before- before Levi was born anyway- and she would be back.

Friends searched the mountains for her around where she was last seen without finding any trace.

I knew. I knew Brenda would never leave Levi if it wasn't for good. I knew....

A couple of weeks ago a hiker's dog found some remains near a secluded spot in the mountains with a spectacular view of the valley below, and the house where her dreams were dashed to bits.

Yesterday the coroner identified the remains as Brenda.
I haven't seen Levi since. I hear he is adjusting well. He had been told previously that momma was gone taking care of a sick friend. But he knew, as the months passed, he knew...

I remember that last day I saw him, how he clung to me and told me he loved me over and over- "I love you Mrs. Black- you're a true friend"
Brenda's sister has never contacted me, and I fear I may never see him again.

Brenda, I miss you. You were incredibly strong with the heart of a lioness.

Levi, I think about you all the time I miss and love you ever so much.

What about Thanksgiving?

It's now November. Halloween is over and if you didn't know better, you might think Christmas is the next major holiday.

But it's not. Thanksgiving is. What happened to Thanksgiving? I know, I know, there aren't any twinkling lights and presents attached to it. Turkeys aren't as cute as elves, and Pilgrims are definitely a step down from Santa Claus.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, but what about Thanksgiving?

What happened to this holiday? It seems to have been lost in the shuffle. Redeposited where old outdated holidays go I suppose. Like Veteran's Day- when we used to have a parade every year when I was growing up. Like George Washington and President Lincoln's birthdays, now we just have "Presidents Day".
Like the Fourth of July is now just a day when we watch fireworks. Don't mention patriotism, don't you know... it's verboten.

I am thankful that I live in the USA. For the men and women who have died for my freedom. For my family members who have served, or are currently serving in the following armed forces: 2 National Guardsman, 1 Army Ranger, 1 Airforce pilot, 2 Navy, 1 Marine. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting yourself in harms way daily so that my family can enjoy the freedom we do.

Well, I for one want to remember this holiday. The Pilgrims came and settled here to escape religious persecution and to have the freedom to believe as they wanted without fear.
I am thankful for them.



I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father, who is kind and forgiving, and through whom all things are possible. Including, but not limited to, the miracle that is my sobriety.

I am thankful for my church, which provides me with the opportunity to meet twice a week with outstanding young women like these above. I am a young woman leader in my church and it has been my privilege to associate with these shining examples of our future, and watch them grow. I only hope I can learn all they have to teach me before I die.

I am thankful for the little things in life. Naps and cats, soft beds and food to eat. A roof over my head, and clothing for my children.

I am thankful for the beauty that is around us. For nature's dance that we are a witness to every day. For glorious color and diversity.

I am thankful for all of God's creatures, great and small. For the chance to have saved this Monarch and the opportunity to be a part of her glorious emergence from sleep into this winged fairy creature.

I am thankful for my family, who has saved my life on more than one occasion. For my daughter, whose grace and beauty still take my breath away. For her kind and loving nature, for her extraordinary courage which amazes me daily. I am thankful for her sweet spirit and for how she stands up for what's right- no matter the cost. And she makes me laugh, oh she makes me laugh...

I am thankful for my husband, see him on the right? He is like Chaucer- a trudger. He is the hardest working man I know. I am thankful for his willingness to do anything he needs to for his family. Including taking a job in the fast food industry at age 50 to ensure that we have food on the table. For his dedication and love to his oh-so-less-than-perfect-wife. I love you...

I am thankful for my son. That's him on the right with the nunchuks. For his strength, the way he makes me laugh until I cry, and for his valiant spirit. For the way he keeps going, even though the road is a hard one. For his incredible talent in music, and how when I am going through a difficult time, he will bring out his acoustic guitar and just play for me... all of the songs he knows I love.

I am thankful for my parents. I have learned so much from them, and I would not trade them in for the world. Through good times and the not so good times, I love my father. I am proud of my mother and her dedication to her temple work. I am thankful for her, and so glad she is in my life.

I am thankful for my dog. One look into his eyes reminds me just what unconditional love is supposed to be. For knowing when I need a hug, and for always, always loving me- no matter what.

And I am thankful for my friends. You know who you are. The ones who support me through the good and the bad, and the ugly. The ones who make me want to be a better person. I don't know what I would do without my friends I have in my life, both in my church and outside of it. I have been buoyed up again and again by their strength, their determination, their courage in overcoming what seem to be at times insurmountable challenges.

I have come to love and rely on those friends never met in person...

I am thankful for you!

Slainte~
Rachelle

Life's a dance, we learn as we go....

Hi there loyal readers,
Well, I am currently on cria watch, so I am pretty much Night of the Living dead these days. Not fully capable of functioning on a cerebral level. I thought I'd revamp an old post I did over a year ago when I first started blogging.
I really liked the premise behind the post, but thought I could do better. So, I managed to refresh it and here it is.
I hope you like it!

So I am just sitting here thinking about life. I know, I know, deep thoughts for such a... HEY!!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ANYWAY?!?! I can read your mind you know.

Anywho- as you know, I love pictures. I hate being in front of the camera, but would hide behind one forever. That said, I don't scrapbook, or have a million photo albums and I have no idea where all my kid's baby pictures all are, I just know there are a lot of them. I like pictures. Taking them and looking at them.

I can go to a total stranger's house and spend hours looking through their photo albums. Weird? Maybe. But there is something very magical about photos. Did you know that in some cultures people believe that to take a picture of them means you are actually taking a part of their spirit? Like a part of their soul goes into the picture, never to come back into their body again. I have read stories about those same people thinking they were marked for death after someone has not respected that belief and taken a photo of them anyway. And of that person dying not long after.
How persuasive are beliefs.

Interesting to me..... when I was a child, I thought that pictures could "see" me. Like the photo was aware of what I was doing, saying, etc... and I would not have any photographs in my room. Paintings were fine, but only if they weren't of people. People in pictures, I was sure of this, moved at will when no one was looking. I spent long hours wondering where they went and what they did when I wasn't in the room. This was long before Harry Potter and the moving, seeing pictures portrayed there in, but when I first read the book it made perfect sense to me.

Two years ago I lost my best friend. She was a wonderful person, a mother of 5 children, wife of 26 years, and she died very suddenly. Jane was, to me, the perfect wife and mother. She made me want to be a better person, and her countenance was dazzling. I can't recall any time when she wasn't positive- even when times were rough. -- sigh-- there aren't words to adequately describe Jane and how special she really was...... She was in the hospital having a stint in her thigh removed- placed there to catch clots after vein surgery- and the doctor punctured her heart accidentally. This was the first time in medical history that this had happened.
((WHY??))

When it came time for her funeral, there was a viewing.
I couldn't go.
simply. couldn't. go.

You see, I have a picture of Jane, and she is smiling. Smiling at me, every day... In those first few months when I fully expected her to walk in the door of the church we attend, when I picked up the phone to call her, before remembering that I couldn't do that anymore, I looked at her photograph, and my heart was lighter, even though it was still broken. I still miss Jane terribly, I still cry... although the dreams are less frequent of her waving at me and saying 'hi' like she is still here. This is how I will always remember her.

There is one picture I have of her playing a ring-around-the-rosy kind of game with a group of children. Her husband gave me that picture, and I thought it was a recent one. I found out though that it was taken almost 15 years ago. She looked exactly the same. Smiling, happy, radiant. I will remember her that way forever because of a photograph.

The power of photos is readily evident to me, for it seems in my life there has been much loss. Perhaps this is why photography has been so tightly linked to high emotion for me. When I was fifteen my 21 year old brother committed suicide. No one would talk about it with me, and I wasn't even allowed to attend the funeral. I had to deal with it on my own. To come to terms with the act, without any of the details or any explanation. My father couldn't even speak his name for years, and I do mean years afterwards. It was too painful for him. But here was I, wanting more..... So I cherished his last photo. He was smiling at me. He wasn't sad, or depressed, or on drugs or anything. He was just Jeff, smiling at me like he did when he was alive.
This is how I will remember him forever- because of a photograph.

This is not to say that all photos make me sad. I frequently look at a photo taken when my daughter, then only 2 1/2 years old, got caught inside a tomato cage. Cruelly, I made my husband keep her there while I ran for the camera. A priceless picture that makes me laugh every time I see it, the last time was just a few days ago, with Codi sitting next to me.



It invariably brings the evil eye on from my daughter who can't understand why I tortured her like that just for a picture. She doesn't get it- but she will when she has children of her own.

A picture I have of my son playing his guitar- such a handsome boy. At age 4 he got his first one for Christmas. He thought he would be able to pick up the guitar and play like Raffi on his first try. Little did he know as he was so discouraged after that first attempt he would become a virtual prodigy as a teen. Makes me fit to burst with pride and love. A picture of him with his face all screwed up in that impossible way only a one year old can while preparing to let loose a primal scream... I smile.

Wow, are those my kids? They are so beautiful!! Unbelievable that such children could come from me. Me who is so not perfect, and is actually very much lucky to be alive still. What a miracle.

One of me, in Hawaii in 1988. Young, and was I ever that thin??? I always thought I was fat and ugly. Wow, that was me. The lies planted in my heart at such a young age were truly that, just lies. I was beautiful.

One of my husband, in his leather jacket from Turkey, looking over the top of his glasses at me with that look... -- heart flutter -- back away girls, he's all mine :))


The problem is that some of us don't want to have our pictures taken. I am one of them, but I learned a most important lesson. See, we don't have a lot of pictures of my brother Jeff, and I only have a couple of my friend Jane. There are so many others I have lost and there aren't nearly enough pictures of them either.
Life is short, we are mortal, and the others in our lives go on without us.
I wish I had more....
We get old and cranky, we don't want our pictures taken and hide from the camera, we think it is not that important for crying out loud.
But....
If I can't have more time with those I have loved, then I want more pictures.

So get out there and get in front of the camera. I don't care if you are fat, old, or have a mustache (um, that would be the female persuasion type I am referring to here) I need more pictures, and so do all your loved ones.
Life is short my friends, take lots of pictures, and share them with everyone you love.
Pictures are indeed magical. Perhaps a piece of us really does reside in certain pictures after they are taken. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that is true.
See you next time.
Slainte Mor~
Rachelle

Two days of Terror....

Well, it has certainly not been a boring summer.....

Here's the latest in my life. Saturday dawned like any other summer day, hot and clear. My son and I were going down to Bakersfield to see Harry Potter, and pick up the new book. Since I had already seen it with my daughter, she was going to stay home by herself.

Wyatt was in L.A. at the temple, and wasn't due back until about 4:30 pm. He was unreachable by phone. Codi's friend Olivia was here after spending the night, and we were going to take her home on the way to Bako.

It was 11:30 am, and we were about to leave. The house had been open to catch the morning coolness.... we never close all the windows in the summer, we have a deep fear of fire, and smelling smoke is always our first warning.

Until Saturday. I came out from the back of the house to get my purse, and smelled smoke. I went outside, and the entire canyon was billowing with smoke. I stood there in shock. Every time we have had a fire nearby, and there have been many over the years, I have smelled smoke long before it has gotten close. We start the fire chain here with our neighbors, and we have plenty of time to act. This time it was right below us before anyone in the canyon caught it. There was no wind....

The fire below our neighbor's place immediately below us, and the brave pilot.

Immediately I went into controlled panic mode. The first thing I thought of was watering around the house and the pens, like we always do..... but we have no water. Okay, a little more panic and less control here.....

Got the kids, told them to get the animal carriers and round up the animals. Told them to pack their emergency bags - quickly. Called my neighbor with the extra trailer she said we could use, she didn't answer. Called my friends in Frazier Park and asked them to locate a trailer for the animals. I was crying when I talked to Jackie, I was terrified. With only me and the kids home, it was all up to us to do everything, without strong dad- with my back...... Our trailer is big enough for five animals, and we can put four or five in the back of the truck in the camper- but only if the car is here to load up the kids, dogs, cats, and our emergency bags, and pictures.....

First and foremost, my family.

Having been through a few scares with fires, the kids are now pros at packing their emergency bags. Everyone knew this was different though, the fire was right here, not something seen in the distance. We got the female pacas up in the front of the 'safe pen' in preparation for the boys to take the lower half. The safe pen is the one in the middle, with no big oak trees nearby to burn.

Thank God our friends were able to get here in time. Right after they arrived, they closed the road to our canyon and didn't let anyone up. Jackie and her husband Brian, and their son Brady came with their big Yukon and a carrier trailer. No, it wouldn't hold my animals, it was a slat sided flatbed. I called the fire department while I was waiting for them, and the lady on the other end said, yes, they were evacuating Digier Canyon.... wait, no they weren't? Just a minute, she said..... no, they were not evacuating at this time, but to be ready, they were in fact fighting three fires in the area. If the Sheriff and CHP showed up, we would have to leave immediately.

So, I had to decide. Who would go with us?

The fire as it crept up the left side of the canyon and along the ridge, closer to our house.

It was a given, the four cats, the two dogs, but which alpacas? We have 22 right now. I had a two day old cria, and one pregnant female due this fall. The stress caused by transporting them was a serious concern. Taking a new baby to another ranch would expose her to all kinds of bacteria she would be weak against at her age. I started my ranch evacuation phone chain. But no one was home. There was no answer at any of the four ranches I called near me. In the mean time, the fire is creeping closer and closer.... and the wind was picking up. Blowing right up the canyon towards our home. Codi's friend was very scared.

The phone was ringing madly. I had my cell phone in one hand, and the walkabout in the other, talking on both at the same time. Calls from friends in the area who heard there was a fire, could we see it?? Boy, I had to laugh.... yup, I said. Then a call from a friend very close by, we could take the alpacas to her place and put them in the backyard if we had to. Relief.... not a perfect solution, but far better than having nowhere to take them.

Our neighbor above called us and offered her six horse trailer. She has wild mustangs, and said she would not be able to get them out, we had first dibs on the trailer if we wanted it.... my heart leapt and said yes! I could get everyone out then! But then, I had second thoughts, what if she really needed it?? I said I'd get back to her. She assured me she wouldn't need it, but I felt differently. Bless her heart.

Then the phone rang, it was my friend who lived up in Lockwood with alpacas. She said she had been sick and was sleeping when I called, of course I could bring the pacas to her place. Relief....

The smoke through the trees

It was decision time. I had to decide who I was going to take, and who would have to stay behind. At a time like this, you have two forces driving the decision making process. Your head, and your heart. My heart said I couldn't possibly leave my boys behind. My head said the girls were by far the most valuable and had to go first. If there was time, I would come back and get the boys. If there was time...

Brian was great, he said, "Rachelle, tell us what to do, and we'll do it." So, I did. We took all the cats in their carriers, and all the bags, guitars, and the computer modem out of my truck and out them in his and in their trailer, freeing up space for alpacas in my truck. I had to decide what to take out of the house. What do you take? I looked around my house with a feeling of complete exhaustion.... what did I want to take? It was only two hours later, but it felt like many, many hours had passed... The pictures on the walls came down and were loaded. The handful of loose pictures I had in my room were packed. Where were the rest of the pictures? The ones of my precious children when they were babies? They weren't in albums, that was something I had always said I'd do later, why didn't I???
The scaredy cat we couldn't find, she had to stay in the house. Tears.

Then we waited...... We watched the fire as it burned along the top of the ridge, then raced down the canyon wall towards our home. We watched the brave pilots maneuver throughout our narrow canyon. It was amazing. The boys went up by the water tank with shovels and caught the burning ashes, smothering them with dirt before they could spark a blaze. We could hear the crackling of the flames now.

Codi's friend was terrified. I shared with her that I had prayed, and in my heart I knew we would be okay, that after my prayer, a feeling of calm came over me, that I knew WE would be okay, safe.

Then the fire trucks arrived to protect the house. The fireman asked me what we planned to do. My heart sick, I asked him what he would do. He said if it were his home, he would leave, and leave now.
So, no more time. They started working around the house, planning their strategy for saving our home. We loaded up the girls, I kissed them and told them to be calm.

We moved all the boys into the safe pen, the firemen agreed it was the best place for them.
We moved my two llamas up to the pen connected to the house. We left the chickens. We left the scaredy cat. We left the water turtle in the house. We left 13 male alpacas, my nanny llama lady, my precious boys..... and our home. I knew we would be safe, but what about them?

Jackie asked me if there was anything else I wanted to take..... I remember looking around and saying, it's only stuff, right?

My daughter and I cried together, and..... we left.

The burn along the canyon wall to the left and below the boy's pens.

We drove out to Lockwood Valley to drop off the girls. After getting them all unloaded, I remember being unable to think. It was complete and utter stupor of thought. Brian asked me if we were going to come to their house. Several folks had graciously offered their places to us, and I had scatterbrainedly said yes to about three of them, while talking with 911 on the other phone, you know.

I just started crying, I said "I can't leave my new baby! What if something happens to her? Where will you put the cats? I think I'm going to take the cats and dogs and go home." I wasn't thinking very clearly, obviously. And I said so. From then on Brian took charge. He said, "You're coming to our house. We'll put the cats in the garage, the dogs in the yard, and you inside." And so we did.

The burn to the left of our house, as it ran up the draw and back over the ridge.

I spent about half an hour calming down our big fat cat Shadow (AKA- Fat Boy) who is about 12 years old, and never been away from home. He had ropey strands of saliva, had thrown up, and was breathing with his mouth open, totally stressed. He calmed down in my lap, we both did.

My neighbor had to use her trailer. I knew it.

Finally, Wyatt called. He was frantic. He got on the phone with our neighbors below, and called me back. He said, "I just talked with Bill and Shelly, the fire burnt half the house." !!?? What!! I screamed.

The burn as the fire got sneaky and came back over the ridge behind our house.

Wyatt said, "The fire burnt past the house!" Relief.

Long story, I know. The end is short. The house is fine. The boys are fine. We dodged a big bullet. When we returned we found that the fire had gone up the draw to the left of our house when it got to the "V". If it had gone up the right, we would have lost everything. Blessings.

We watch the skies for smoke, and sleep a little lighter. We don't leave the house alone.

My family is safe. The girls are home. My baby is fine, as is the pregnant female due in September. Here they are:

Lessons learned. Picture organization, now! Prayer works! Thank God for good friends!! We love our firemen!!

Thank God for you! I love you all!

Slainte~
Rachelle

Joe Blogs Interview

A long time ago I got this great interview. I thought I'd repost it while I find the muse again.
Some things I would add would be shrinkwrappedscream's site (see my links) and a new movie- right now it's Cinderella. :))
Thanks again Joe! You can find him at: http://www.mrjoeblogs.blogspot.com


Saturday, January 27, 2007

Joe Blog's Interview #54 Alpacas Are Cute
Name : Rachelle Black

Age : is this a trick question??

Location : The beautiful Kern County mountains in CA

Vocation : you mean, like what I want to be when I grow up? Oh yea, alpaca rancher, super mom, wife extraordinaire... that sums it all up.

Philosophy : You might as well laugh kid, it ain't gonna get any easier. Nope, that's no it... oh yea! Life's tough, if we stick together and help others, who have less than we do, we can only get stronger. And laugh a lot!

Sum up what your blog is about.
It's just me, talking about whatever tickles my funny bone, sharing stories about my lovely alpacas, laughing at myself, and bringing pieces of that in my life. I've had lots of tribulations in my life and humor has been the only way to get me through it. If I can share some of that with others, and it makes you laugh- my job is done.

Why are you doing your blog?
Therapeutic value and a tax write off (I haven't exactly figured that last one out yet)

Whats the funniest entry on your blog? Hmmmm.... I don't know. I don't like to talk about myself much so you decide. But my personal favorite is "Twas the night before Christmas" It kind of shows my funny and serious side. Maybe I'm like a fine wine, I get better as I age. Or, maybe I'm like an old cheese and just get stinkier, who knows?

What is your writing style? Kind of a Heinz 57 variety. A little humor, a little seriousness, some posts are informative and some require duct taping your head so it doesn't explode. In all seriousness, I love to write and share. So, you may tune in one day and laugh, and the next day cry- visit often so you don't miss out! :))

How much would you sell your blog for? $1.5 million- - - whoa, I think I hurt myself typing that so fast. Why,know someone who wants to buy it?

What do people commonly say about your site? You mean someone reads it? Kidding! I don't know, I have really enjoyed the friends I have made, and people met through this blog, they are very supportive and encouraging. They say things like-"You're so funny!" and "I want to name my first (or 5th) child after you!" They don't? Hmmm.... have to train them harder I guess.

Why should someone visit your site? Because they can, wait a minute, I was having a mom moment there.... Really, it is just too hard to go through life all serious and stuff. My blog is all about life and how tragically-terrifying-exhilarating-grief stricken-pee your pants-laugh out loud funny it is. There have been many,many bad things, and bad choices that have occurred in my life, but I'm still here and I'm in one piece. If I can share my experiences and help someone else in the process, that's what it's all about. If this appeals to you, I guess I'll see you there.

Climate change is caused by man. Myth or reality? I don't know.... I have been using my blow dryer a lot more lately, think there's a correlation??

Are there any blogs, you enjoy reading? I love Sarah Flake at http://hollywoodflakes.blogspot.com/ she is really a riot! I am a regular stalker, er, I mean reader. Also, creatively I would have to say I love the beautiful imagination of Plumpie Mousie at http://plumpiemousie.blogspot.com/ It's like a glimpse into another world.

What would you have written on your tombstone? Loving mother, caring sister, devoted daughter, good friend. Wow, that's a lot to live up to, I'd better get busy!

Would you go on a reality TV show? Not if it involves eating anything still alive, or high places. But if I get to meet Leif Garrett- I'm all over it.

What one website would you recommend and why?
Well, I obsessively check the weather on NOAA but that's not for everyone. I don't know, I visit a lot of gaming sites.... I'm not being a big help on this question am I?

Tell us a random funny story that comes to mind.
Okay, once a looong time ago I was dating this guy who's dad thought I was a loser. Since I was young I have had my two front teeth bonded or veneereddue to sensitivity (and a huge gap!).The day before my bonding cracked and a whole slice of my tooth cracked right off. I mean, the gap was apparent and even worse because before putting the last bonding treatment on they actually widened the gap. In desperation I super glued it back on because, of course, it was a holiday, AND a weekend and I couldn't get into the dentist for two more days.It worked great! You couldn't even tell, it was perfect.

So here I am eating and trying to make the best impression I can. Someone tells a horrible joke and I laugh too loudly, then take a bite of my mashed potatoes, chew and swallow.... and find out to my horror that the piece of my tooth is missing. I think quickly, surely I would have felt the crunch,right? I mean mashed potatoes aren't crunchy!! I panic and cover my mouth, everyone asks what's wrong and I explain behind my hand. Of course his father wants to see, and does everything but rip away my hand from my mouth. I am just totally embarrassed and trying to convince my boyfriend it's time to leave when his father picks up his martini glass to take a drink. The strangest expression crosses his face,and I see him hold the glass up to the light. "Um, Rachelle, I think I found your missing part." he says. Yup, sure enough, there it was in all it's glory soaking up the vodka and having a great time.

I manage to *not* crawl under a rock, get the piece back, his wife finds the super glue and I consider locking myself in the bathroom and never coming out. Carpe Dentum indeed.

Had any supernatural experiences?
Yes, about six months after my grandmother died and I was struggling with grief and a cocaine addiction, I was laying on the couch in my mother's house depressed. I suddenly smelled my grandmother's perfume, and my whole body felt like it was getting a warm hug. I couldn't move, and was filled with peace. The perfume faded after a while and the sensation of being hugged went away. I went through everything in the house looking for anything that smelled like her perfume- Avon's Rose is a Rose- but my mother assured me there wasn't anyone there, she hated that smell and would never have it around. It was Grandma. I frequently see people from the corner of my eye, and once there was a man in white walking on my lawn in the middle of the night. The veil is very thin at times my friends, very thin.

What advice would you have given yourself 5 years ago?
Treasure the ones you love in your life. Tell them you love them and how much you appreciate them as often as you can- and never take their presence for granted.

Can you tell us a joke?
Nope, not too good at that, but how about a random fact?In Nebraska it is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. Go figure.

Tell us just one of your favourite actors, actresses, comedian, song and film.
Danny Kaye, Doris Day, John Bytheway, Yikes, I didn't plan that rhyming streak there! Oceano by Josh Groban. Um.... movies are hard- I have too many that I can't live without. Currently The Incredibles is a big fave.

What’s the most incredible thing that’s ever happened to you?
The fact that I lived through my terribly destructive addictions and found God again. Funny, He was right there waiting for me.

What would you wish for with 3 wishes?
World peace.... oops, pageant moment, sorry...
1) For people to be kinder to each other
2) to be more like my Savior
3) to be a better house keeper (yup, for reals)

Now it’s your turn! Ask me one question, anything you like.
Do you wear a pair of those cool shades like Joe Cool (aka- Snoopy) does? Cool beans if you do. And thanks for the interview!

Joe Blogs : Not much use for sunglasses in England, unfortunately. I like your funny story, Cool Beans!

For Madriene

Wednesday night one of my dear friends died. While I am too raw to write all that she meant to me, as I have lain sleepless the last two nights and wept and grieved, I feel the need to express a little of what comes to mind when I think of Madriene.

A bright and cheerful Cosmos bloom- for her upbeat personality.

Bright spring peach blossoms for her ability to light up a room with her smile.

A rose, weeping in the morning dew- represents both all I have lost with her passing, and the hidden thorns which might be revealed when she was riled up.

Truly, I am simply flattened by this passing. In one week it will be the two year anniversary of my best friend's death.

I am undone.

Next week I will be gone to Kentucky, so while I will be checking in and reading, I won't be posting.

No one is allowed to die while I'm gone.

For my wild, bohemian hippy love child Madriene- I miss you..........

Photographs copyrighted: Rachelle Black 2007

What dreams may come

In May it will be two years since my best friend died.
It used to be I would dream of her waving at me in passing, like she was letting me know she was still around, not to worry.
It has been quite a while since my last dream of her. I don't cry every day anymore, or when someone mentions her name, or when I think of her family left behind.

Sometimes grief will sneak up behind me and grab hold of my throat, choking me when I least expect it. Like a couple of weeks ago at church when a speaker started talking about how good she was. Then I break down and start to sob. It all comes back to me in a rush, oh yea, she is gone, she won't be coming back...... I do still miss her.

I haven't been sleeping well these last few nights. Having some health struggles of my own right now, I am on some new medication and it is interfering with my sleep patterns. As I have mentioned before, I dream in living color. Big, bold, save the world dreams where I have to be the hero or watch the entire human race go down in flames. Lately my dreams have been particularly heart wrenching.

I dreamed that it was, in fact, the end of the world. Everyone was running towards these bunkers and there was chaos and screaming. Fleeing from some nameless terror vaguely familiar and seen just around the edges, perhaps from the corner of your eye, we ran pell mell.

Upon arriving in one of the bunkers, I looked around me and realized how few we were in numbers. Bunched into furtive groups, some hiding in fear from the faceless enemy, some hiding their evil human nature away, biding their time to feed upon the few valiant left in the world. Some exhibited a newfound suspiciousness of one another, "Are you one of them?" their eyes asked. Or one who seeks to take advantage of these treacherous times? Sheltering their children from other's eyes.

I came to understand my family wasn't with me. I ran from bunker to bunker searching frantically. One such bunker housed Satan worshipping minions. Formerly afraid to boast of their religion, relegated to hiding and secrecy in the past, they openly revelled in this new world and blatantly flaunted their evil natures- posting large banners proclaiming their beliefs and their intent to take over the souls of those left behind to rebuild a decent, upstanding society.

I stated my intent to these robed and hooded faceless entities, to remain valiant, and bravely, with great fear in my heart, stood up to proclaim that good would indeed conquer evil in the end. I remember the fear....

Searching for hours, I found no trace of my family. I peered into one bunker and recognized a family I knew. They too were short members of their family. They stressed to me that they had not seen my daughter or son, and I left bereft.

In the next bunker I came to, I saw my daughter from behind. It was her! Her hair, the shape of her silhouette, backlit by sun streaming in the window. My heart rejoiced, at last! I ran to embrace her and the young woman turned to me.... it wasn't her. I crumpled to the floor in despair. I sobbed, and screamed, tearing at my hair for I simply knew I would never find her, or any of my other family members. I was alone.

I awoke with my eyes puffy, crying my heart out. I went back to sleep only to relive the last few moments of my dream, over and over again. Waking each time to find myself weeping and feeling that terrible ache in my heart that convinced me it was not a dream. Unable to fully awaken, unable to try and search further, to alter the ending of the dream, destined to return again and again to the same place and relive that awful realization over and over again- I despaired of ever feeling whole again.

Finally I was able to break the cycle and awaken fully. Rushing to my daughter's room I sat at her bedside forever stroking her face and reassuring myself that it was, in fact, only a dream. On to my son's room for the same routine.

As I write this, I weep again, so powerful was this dream.

What was it? A horrible premonition of some event to come? An underlying fear of loss that is buried in my subconscious and manifesting itself in my dreams? That's what the experts say happens anyway.... Everyone knows that a mother's most powerful fear is the loss of a child. But what purpose does a dream like this serve?

--sigh-- I wish I could just sleep, only sleep.

Last night I dreamed of my friend Jane. She was standing on the edge of, well..... something. I ran to her and hugged her tightly. Telling her how much I loved her, and how much I admired her. Knowing she was going to die, I expressed my desire to be able to do something, anything to help her. I couldn't tell her that she was going to die, so I was trying to find some way to just do something to help.

I don't know if I meant to prevent her death, or to help her prepare for it, or even if it was a simple wish to help her family afterwards deal with such a terrible loss. All I know is that she hugged me back, and that I knew I had let her know how much I loved her..... before she was gone. Maybe this dream was her way of telling me that she knew it all along.

Regrets, yup, I've got them. I learned a powerful lesson with the loss of my friend. Tell people you love them, admire them, treasure them every day, while you can.

For days after my dream about losing my family, I had to stop and hug my daughter. The feelings of hopelessness I felt coming back fully every time I saw her face.

I have to wonder, what purpose do dreams of the apocalyptic kind serve? To remind me to strengthen my faith for trials ahead? To serve as a reminder of the fragility of mortal life? I don't know.

Maybe it's just hormones.... ha-ha.

Till next time my friends.

Slainte~

Rachelle