Starts one step at a time. The weekend brought many tidings. We found out why the little preemie died. See, it's not too bad being a preemie, there are things you can do to help them continue to develop and grow, just like with humans. Sometimes they are just too early, but she was only 2 days outside the general 'safe time' rule so we wondered what went wrong. She was doing well the first two hours, but then she crashed. Why? Was it the feeding I gave her? Did she aspirate? Was it my fault? Was it a genetic problem?
Well, the necropsy showed a rupture of the umbilical artery. It would have happened the minute she was born, and she just bled to death. Not my fault. Not genetic- just a product of being too early. Relief? Um, a double edged sword.... Yes, I am relieved I didn't cause her death,
it was tearing me apart wondering.
Each alpaca on our ranch is known, each loved for their own individual personalities, likes and dislikes. Every year we plan carefully each breeding, then we wait a minimum of 335 days to see the results of our planning. When we lose a cria, it is completely devastating. Whenever we have a loss we wonder what happened, and I always blame myself. It doesn't matter that in each case it wasn't anything we did wrong- when you are Rachelle, that's what you do, you blame yourself.
As I go through my life, I try to take something from every experience- no matter how horrible, scary or tragic. Something positive, or what has been more likely in my life, a hard lesson learned. What I haven't learned yet, no matter the trial or tribulation, is how to find peace. Today as I visited with my girl, she taught me how to forgive myself for not being perfect, omniscient and for not having the power to resurrect the dead. She told me she still loves me, and doesn't blame me. By her kisses, her warm breath on my cheek, and by nudging me with her hip so I would scratch her itchy spot.
I think the road to peace is a long one- the journey difficult, and paved with obstacles that sometimes seem insurmountable. Today I am one step closer. Perhaps tomorrow I might take two steps back, but eventually- I will move forward again.
As our family spent the day together yesterday, I was reminded of how wonderful a happy day can be. It's been a long time, a very long time it seems since I had a truly happy day. Seems like such a simple thing! But as adults, we seem to complicate life to the point of absurdity.
We trivialize that which we should cherish, and insist on growing up too fast.
Laughing, sharing, making stupid jokes.... my baby brother brought me a copy of "Sesame Street Old School" and I watched, laughing and remembering taking Jamey into the spare room to watch Sesame Street while our parents argued, again. Stealing a moment of joy midst chaos.
Yesterday I let the child within out. The one who was forced to be grown up when she was eight years old, not allowed to laugh or be ridiculous. Who blamed herself for things entirely beyond her control and tried to 'fix' everything, please everyone. Now releasing her to play, laugh and be silly- without inhibitions. It was wonderful.
Jamey and my favorite chicken- Henny Penny
Left to right, front: My stepmother Karen, brother Jamey, and my dad.Back: Daughter Codi, Jamey's girlfriend Giselle, son Cameron.
I think the fastest way to peace is through the eyes of a child. What do you think?
Slainte~
Rachelle
